Theatre Listings for December 2010

By Alan Hindle

OFF WEST END

A Flea in Her Ear running Dec 5- Mar 11, 2011. George Feydeau’s farce about a wife attempting to entrap her supposedly philandering husband in a trumped up tryst at the snazzy Hotel Coq d’Or. Old Vic Theatre, The Cut, Waterloo Road 0844 871 7628 oldvictheatre.com waterloo / lambeth north / southwark

Alice in Wonderland Until Jan 30 2011. Wooden puppets and “object-theatre” whatever that might mean, a fizzing, fantastical story for the family. Little Angel Theatre 14 Dagmar Passage 020 7359 8581 littleangeltheatre.com angel

Bill Bailey Dandelion Mind running until Jan 9, 2011. One of the current greats of stand-up comedy and all-time greats of musical comedy. Much rambles, with bouzouki. Wyndham Theatre, 020 7482 1593 wyndhamtheatretickets.com charing cross road

Birdsong until Jan 15. During WWI a young soldier returns to France and resumes a love affair with the wife of his previous host. From the book by Sebastian Faulks, directed by Trevor Nunn. I see they’ve nicked (in advance) Bill Bailey’s Dandelion Mind poster. Comedy Theatre, Panton Street thecomedytheatre.co.uk piccadilly circus

Black Watch From the National Theatre of Scotland. Nov 27 – Jan 22, 2011. Barbican Centre Silk Street 020 7638 8891 barbican.org.uk barbican
Carnivale Cabaret Every Sunday at 8pm. Carnivale 2 Whitechurch Lane 020 8616 0776 www.carnivale.co.uk whitechapel

A Christmas Carol running Dec 7- Jan 15, 2011. Ebenezer Scrooge catches the spirit and buys the biggest turkey in the window. With a huge cast, new carols, and a slightly threatening tagline. “An unforgettable story in a way that you’ve never seen before; experience this new CHRISTMAS CAROL and be redeemed…forever.” Lion and the Unicorn, 42-44 Gaisford Street 020 7284 0766 giantolive.com kentish town

A Christmas Carol Dec 4- Jan 9, 2011. “Little boy! Do you know if they’ve sold the prize turkey in the window?” “What, the one as big as me?” “Yes. The one as big as you. Because you’re a puppet.” Puppet Barge is a magical place, and this is a perfect show for 4 years-olds and up. Puppet Barge, currently moored at The Pool, Little Venice 020 7249 6876 puppetbarge.com warrick avenue / maida vale

Coalition Nov 22- Dec 5. Oh, Nick Clegg. Tokyo Rose, Vichy, and Charlie McCarty all roiled into one (yes, roiled). Clegg has become the puppet for Cameron, who I doubt clips his nails, and I suppose that is punishment enough. Meanwhile, back at Theatre 503, ten writers and ten artists of different disciplines have formed two teams, Blue and Yellow, to see what actually CAN come out of cooperation. Theatre 503, above the Latchmere Pub, 503 Battersea Park Road 020 223 3549 theatre503.com clapham junction

Cock of the Walk Until Dec 4. Markus Makavellian Dec 7-11, One Man Song Machine, Dec 14-18, Christmas Cabaret Dec 28-31… which is after Christmas, people. However, this because The Aristocrats is running Dec 20-23, and is a much better show for X-Mas. The Artistocrats is the first and oldest joke in the world. A version was found scrawled on a cave wall in Lascaux. Using excrement. Old Red Lion Theatre, 418 St John Street, Finsbury 020 7837 7816. oldredliontheatre.co.uk angel

*The Complete Sherlock Holme*s until Jan 8. Robert Crighton reads and performs every story about the coked-up be-deerstalkered bloodhound. The guy does not look in any way like Holmes, but judging by his rate of productions, he would appear to have the same feverish energy. Baron’s Court Theatre at Curtain’s Up Pub, 28a Comeragh Road 0208 932 4747

Cradle Will Rock Until Dec 18. The Brecht and Weill-influenced musical, made into a film directed by Tim Robbins, about union resistance and McCarthyism ascending could not be more timely. This is the also the last show at the Arcola Street venue before the theatre moves to its new home. Arcola Theatre 23-27 Arcola Street 0207 503 1646 arcolatheatre.com dalston kingsland

Dean Gibbons and the Knowledge of Death Until Dec 11. Dr. Earnest Swansong lays it out in a science lecture that even the Giant Mountain Bonobos don’t feel like hugging so much. Meanwhile, a few powerful people are chatting quietly about ending the world early, in time for quarterly dividend payouts and a luxury holiday in the Maldives. The rest of us are accused of fostering mad conspiracy theories and exhorted to keep buying stuff. Inconvenient Spoof uses puppets and physical theatre for absurdist satire- which, unfortunately, probably isn’t that far from the real thing. Camden Peoples Theatre 58-60 Hampstead Road 08444 77 1000 cptheatre.co.uk euston square

Deathtrap starring Simon Russell Beale. I love that at the bottom of their website is a Deathtrap Shop. Noel Coward Theatre, St Martins Lane 0844 482 5140 noel-coward-theatre.com leicester square

Dick Whittington and His Cat running until Jan 8, 2011. Dick and his cat versus King Rat and some clumsy pirates. So, the real Dick Whittington was neither poor nor the owner of a cat, the original story had Dick simply ship his cat off to Persia to remedy the sultan’s mouse problem, and in the panto version both Dick and the cat go to Morocco and there’s now a Fairy of the Bells worked in there… There’s all kinds of plot holes in this gold-paved street. Lyric Hammersmith, Lyric Square, King Street 0871 221 1729 lyric.co.uk hammersmith

Eastend Cabaret Every last Wednesday of the month. Bernadette Byrne peering out from under her mascara and Victor Victoria heaving the ol’ accordion with half a moustache quivering to the beat. Cellar Door, Zero Aldwych, 0207 240 8848, www.cellardoor.biz charing cross

The Glass Menagerie running until Jan 15, 2011. An ageing Southern Belle worries for her club-footed daughter’s future and hopes to set her up with Jim, with grand dreams tinkly glass figurines of walruses and unicorns. Jim just thought he was coming for dinner. Young Vic Theatre, 66 The Cut, Waterloo Road 020 7922 2922 youngvic.org waterloo / southwark

Grand Guignol running until Dec 12. Three tales of French horror and gore, perversion and madness. This needs to be a Christmas show. Can’t you see it? Grandad died three years ago pretending to be Santa, but got stuck in the chimney and nobody noticed until the New Year’s Eve. Now, young Bessie has brought home a boyfriend, they’re making out by the roaring fire and suddenly a rotten, flaming St. Nick clambers out with a bag of toys. “Heeeerrreee, Bess, I got you a puppy and a Baby Annabel that turns its heeeeead…” the doll swivels its melted noggin to grin and farts and the dog is just as putrid as granddad. “Ohmygod!” screams Bess, her face curled with horror. “That doll is so 2007!” Etcetera Theatre, Oxford Arms Pub at 265 Camden High Street 020 7482 4857 etceteratheatre.com camden town

HMS Pinafore running until Dec 8, Showstopper! The Improvised Musical, until Dec 21, Madam Butterfly, Dec 11-23, Cinderella Dec 21 to 18 Jan… Man, the music just never stops down there at the ol’ King’s Head. Kings Head Theatre, 115 Upper Street, Islington 0844 209 0326 kingsheadtheatre.org highbury and islington
Just So, Dec 1- Jan 9, 2011. Kipling’s classic fable of the crab that stirred up the ocean to cause a flood, and Elephant’s Child must go on a quest to save the other animals. Along the way she learns how animals got the way they are and has her nose pulled into a trunk by a croc. Tabard Theatre, 2 Bath Road, Chiswick 020 8995 6035 tabardweb.co.uk turnham green / sloan square / south kensington

Krapp 39 running until Dec 22. A morose and neurotic yet very funny and touching New York take on Samuel Beckett’s Krapp’s Last Tape. See Review. Cut Off, running Dec 7-11. The coalition government of Posh Splice and ToCleggo Rose chopped down the arts budget (along with everything else, mind you) and Tristan Bates asked six writers to give their response. If they could find time from their new Joe-jobs washing dishes at Angus Steakhouse and shelving books at WHSmith. Tristan Bates Theatre, at Actors Centre, 1a Tower Street 020 7240 6283 tristanbatestheatre.co.uk leicester square

Kupenga Kwa Hamlet running until Dec 4. A Zimbabwean take on the tortured Dane. Oval House Theatre, 52-54 Kennington Oval 020 7582 4680 www.ovalhouse.com oval

Last of the Red Hot Lovers in the afternoons, until Dec 17, and in the evenings, Mediterranean Arts Experience Dec 7-11. Mediterranean is actually a reworking of Pirandello’s 6 Characters in Search of an Author, but set to flamenco music by Manfredi Gelmetti. Great idea, lousy title. How about, 6 Characters in Search of Passion I Yi Yi! Bridewell Theatre, Bride Lane off Fleet Street 020 7353 3331 stbridefoundation.org blackfriars

The Master Builder Until Jan 11. Great architect Halvard Solness has been a prick all his life and now worries it was for nothing. Then a mysterious woman comes along claiming he promised a castle for one of her kisses and new life is breathed into his world. Almeida Theatre, Almeida Street, Islington 0207 359 4404 almeida.co.uk highbury and islington

Midsummer running until Jan 29, 2011. A lost weekend shared by a dodgy used car salesman and a serial adultress lawyer. Tricycle Theatre, 269 Kilburn High Road 020 7328 1000 tricycle.co.uk kilburn

Peter Pan Dec 10-Jan 16, 2011. The Hoff as Hook. THE HOFF. As HOOK. The Hook-off. OFF-THE-HOOK. David Hasselhoff. Oh please, pleeeeeeese, let him do an English accent. The. Hoff. I’m crying. And hey, while I’m at it, why not David next year in Dick Hoffington and his Kit? New Wimbledon Theatre ambassadortickets.com/wimbledon wimbledon

Pins and Needles running until Dec 11. A satirical revue created in the 30s by garment makers in support of the unions. The show did so well they took it to Broadway, that they were able to quit their jobs to become professional performers. Between this and Arcola Theatre’s The Cradle Will Rock, you’d think there was an economic thingie going on. Enron was a good shot, but this seems like the perfect climate for a new, kick-ass, shit-stir, Th’-Man-diss, authority-fuck barn-burner of a show to get made. Cock Tavern, 125 Kilburn High Road 08444 771 000 cocktaverntheatre.com kilburn and kilburn park

The Priest Hole Dec 7-12. The treacherous, dark side of floor laminate. Umbrage Swain and the Magical Diamond of Ramtutti, running Dec 20-22. A cheesy 80s adventure about a woman chasing a magic stone to save the world from the dastardly Darkness. Judging from the photo it also appears to star Simon Le Bon and Robert Smith in Siegfried and Roy’s pajamas. Other stuff, too, check their site. Hens and Chickens, 109 St. Pauls Road 020 7704 7612 unrestrictedview.co.uk, highbury / islington

Quality Street running until Dec 22. I have to admit, I didn’t know this play existed. I’ve only ever known of the candy. A spinster running a girls school creates a comic persona called Livvy to tease the man who broke her heart ten years ago. Finborough Theatre, 118 Finborough Road finboroughtheatre.co.uk 0844 847 1652 earl’s court

The Train Driver running until Dec 4. By Athol Fugard. Beasts and Beauties, running Dec 10-31. Grimm’s fairy tales as told by poet Carol Ann Duffy and directed by Melly Still. One of the stories is the goat that spits gold- but in this case it poops it! Already, a winner. There’s a new space, The Hampstead Downstairs, which has a mandate to experiment. They haven’t anything in the space until Jan- when Small Hours opens Jan 12. Hampstead Theatre, 98 Avenue Road 020 7722 9301 hampsteadtheatre.com swiss cottage

A Slice of Saturday Night running Dec 16- Jan 30. 60s nostalgia and first love. Upstairs at the Gatehouse, 1 North Road, Highgate 020 8340 3488 upstairsatthegatehouse.com highgate

The White Devil running until Dec 4. Lust, decadence and courtly intrigue in 17th century Italy. Clichéd and Mind the Gap, running Dec 7-18. A combined dance and theatre piece exploring (but hopefully avoiding) the ropey tropes of lazy speech. Several points of departure being the Underground’s robotic pleas to stand back from oncoming trains, Mendelssohn’s March for weddings, and the theme from Jaws for divorces. Blue Elephant Theatre, 59a. Bethwin Road 020 7701 0100 blueelephanttheatre.co.uk oval

The Wind in the Willows Dec 1- 18. Featuring, judging by their press shot, The Incredible Hulk in a matching green cravat but naked from the waist down. Toad is strongest one of all! Boop boop! ARRGHH! Also, Coalition, running until Dec 5, and Phantasmagoria, running backwards in time from Dec 7- Nov 12. More likely it’s an extended typo, and it finishes on the 7th, but is a Phantasmagoria, after all. Theatre 503, above the Latchmere Pub, 503 Battersea Park Road 020 7223 3549 theatre503.com clapham junction

WEST END

All I want For Christmas running until Dec 18. Tony is a successful if highly string professional, but hopeless with women. In desperation he hires sometimes actress and professional escort Irena from Kosovo to pretend to be his girlfriend. A dark comedy with songs and endless glasses of sherry. See Review. Jermyn Street Theatre, 16b Jermyn Street 020 7287 2875 jermynstreettheatre.co.uk piccadilly circus

Bea running Dec 1- Jan 8, 2011. Naughty Bea asks too much of her mother, and way too much of “Not Gay Ray”, forcing both to reconsider what each find inconsiderable. Bagpuss, running Dec 9- Jan 9, 2011. The fat, old, cloth cat, Prof. Yaffle and Gabriel Toad, for the first time on stage, direct from Birmingham. Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, 0870 429 6883 sohotheatre.com tottenham court road
Blood Brothers Twins sing. Tickets at londontheatredirect.com Phoenix Theatre, Charing Cross Road phoenix-theatre.co.uk piccadilly circus

Country Girl booking now until Feb 26. Boozy actor gets another shot at a career. Apollo Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue apollo-theatre.co.uk piccadilly circus
Ghost Stories extended to Feb 20, 2011. See review. Scary stuff, for a theatre production. Wouldn’t it have been cool, though, if they’d installed an infrasonic “Brown Noise” machine in the basement and wired up the seats to an electrical generator to really mess with the audience? Duke of York’s Theatre, St Martins Lane dukeofyorkstheatre.co.uk leicester square

King Lear Dec 3- Feb 5, 2011. A mad king, a ruthless fool, two selfish cows and the doomed Cordelia. Considered one of Shakespeare’s best, and the notch every mature male actor dreams of nicking in his belt. In this case, Derek Jacobi, who already has a fairly hacked-up slap of leather through his loops. A spectacular story, rich with images and probing investigations into the misery of living, and the Donmar will be filming and screening the show live to 300 cinemas around the world. Donmar Warehouse, 41 Earlham Street 0844 871 7624 donmarwarehouse.com covent garden

Onassis until Jan 8, 2011. A tax-dodging cigarette smuggler and baby whaling entrepreneur leaves opera star wife Maria Callas to enter a business arrangement with Jackie Kennedy called “marriage”. Written by Martin Sherman, creator of Bent. There won’t be much opportunity for his usual themes of homosexuality and oppression but he will, no doubt, bring his ruthless eye to bear. Plus, it stars Robert Lindsay. Novello Theatre, St Martins Lane 0870 154 4040 novellotheatre.com covent garden

Robin Hood running Dec 10- Jan 9, 2011. Another panto of Robin Hood, with “adult” version on Dec 31, and Jan 7, 9. Rosemary Branch Theatre, 2 Shepperton Road, Canonbury 020 7704 6665 rosemarybranch.co.uk highbury and islington
Robin Hood: Queen of Thieves running Dec 1- 22. But who will she rob? Bankers who used to get £150,000 and £850,000 bonus are now only getting £300,000 and £650,000 extra for clothing allowance. That’s £100,000 less for Robin and her merry divas to rob and pass to the poor. We need to stand up to Vince Cable and demand limitless wealth for the several folks who own everything, or the poor and desperate will suffer! This panto, the Stag promises, is one for the grown-ups. And it’s over a gay pub, so when half the crowd chants. “It’s behind you!” the other half will chant “Hooray!” Above the Stag Theatre, 15 Bressenden Place, 0208 932 4747, abovethestag.com victoria

When We Are Married currently booking until Feb 2011. Three couples, married by the same priest and celebrating their silver anniversaries, find out they aren’t so perfectly happy after all. A classic farce from JB Priestly featuring Roy Hudd and a lot of slamming doors. Garrick Theatre, 2 Charing Cross Road 0844 579 1974 garrick-theatre.co.uk leicester square

Stomp until December 19. People continue, resolutely, to smash things. The Ambassadors Theatre, West Street 08448 112 334 theambassadorstheatre.co.uk covent gardens / leicester square

LONG RUNS

The 39 Steps. Canadian in spy-riddled London sings. No actual singing involved. Criterion Theatre, 2 Jermyn Street 0844 847 criterion-theatre.co.uk piccadilly circus

Billy Elliot booking until Dec 2010. Northern boy t’dances. And t’sings. Victoria Palace Theatre, Victoria Street 0844 248 5000 victoriapalacetheatre.co.uk victoria

Dirty Dancing American class system sings. And dances. Aldwych Theatre, Aldwych, aldwych-theatre.co.uk covent garden

Flashdance Damp welder sings. Booking until Sept 27 Shaftesbury Theatre, 210 Shaftesbury Avenue 020 7379 5399 shaftesbury-theatre.co.uk

Grease booking until Sept 2011. 1950s delinquents sing. Piccadilly Theatre, Denman Street piccadillytheatre.co.uk piccadilly circus

Jersey Boys. Frankie Valli sings. Prince Edward Theatre, 28 Old Compton Street 020 7492 1548 prince-edward.official-theatre.co.uk tottemham court toad / leicester square

Legally Blonde booking until Feb 2011. Blonde lawyer sings. Savoy Theatre, Savoy Court on The Strand 0844 871 7627 londontheatredirect.co.uk charing cross

The Lion King Animals sing. Booking until Jan 30, 2011, tickets through londondirect.com Lyceum Theatre 21 Wellington Street lyceum-theatre.co.uk covent garden

Love Never Dies Guy with mask sings in New York. Tickets at londontheatredirect.com Adelphi Theatre, the Strand adelphitheatre.co.uk charing cross

Mamma Mia! Swedes sing. Prince of Wales Theatre, 31 Coventry Street 020 7492 1548 prince-of-wales.official-theatre.co.uk piccadilly circus

Les Miserables French revolutionaries sing. Tickets through theatreland.co.uk Queens Theatre, 51 Shaftesbury Avenue 0870 950 0930 piccadilly circus

Pebbles Versus Rocks running concurrently with Puddles I have Known, and That Thing I Saw—What was It?, a repertory retrospective of the minimalist theatre genius Hans Hansmanhans. In Pebble, a small lump of mineral picks a fight with a boulder, and in Puddles a man wearing rubber boots attacks a very small body of water. Hansmanhans’s work culminated in 1969 with That Thing, in which a man punches a bag of stuff until he gets tired. This was Hans’s last work before his tragic death in an avalanche next to a lake near a heap of objects in sacks. Police ruled it as a suicide. Also, The Mousetrap, another play about dangerous things. St Martins Theatre, West Street 020 7836 1086 stmartins-theatre.co.uk covent garden / leicester square

The Phantom of the Opera Masked guy sings in Paris. Her Majesty’s Theatre, Haymarket hermajestys.co.uk piccadilly circus

Priscilla, Queen of the Desert Drag divas sing. Palace Theatre. 109-113 Shaftesbury Avenue reallyuseful.com leicester square

Sister Act, the Musical Nun sings London Palladium Theatre, Argyll Street 0844 412 4655 reallyuseful.com oxford circus

Sweet Charity Sexy naïf sings. Haymarket Theatre Royal, 14 Suffolk Street, 020 7492 1606 trh.co.uk piccadilly circus

We Will Rock You Freddie Mercury sings, apparently on the set of Mad Max. Dominion Theatre, 268-269 Tottenham Court Road dominiontheatre.co.uk, tottenham court road

The Woman in Black running since 1989. Tickets at londontheatredirect.com Fortune Theatre, Russell Street fortune-theatre.co.uk covent garden

Wicked Green witch sings. Tickets from londontheatredirect.com Apollo Victoria, 17 Wilton Road apollovictoria.co.uk victoria