The Metropolis

Analyse this: Drynuaryds vs Retoxers - as we enter the final stretch, what to make of January's booze politics?

Mike Pollitt | Wednesday 23 January, 2013 12:54

There are three sorts of people wandering aimless and numb through the freezing January streets:

1. Drynuaryds. People who, having overindulged in December, use the following month to forswear alcohol and get drunk instead on the smugness which results from unaccustomed sobriety.
2. Retoxers. People who, having overindulged in December, use the following month to consolidate their gains.
3. People who have a healthy relationship with alcohol.

Only the first two groups need concern us here, the third being so resistant to humorous or insightful analysis that no one has even bothered to assign it a snappy pop culture portmanteau.

What then to make of classes 1 and 2? What does their existence Say About Us All? Here are some theories.

Drynuaryds are just drinkers playing a trick on themselves to make their booze taste more sweet

The concept of a “dry January” only makes sense when book-ended by a booze-sodden December and a drink-soaked Feb. By choosing to live for a month upon an island of temperance, the Drynuaryds are committing by implication to 11 months drifting in a sticky sea of booze. Come the first of February, they will once more dive willingly, desperately, into the frothing waves at their feet. The month off isn’t a meaningful break. They’re just coming up for air.

Retoxers are just drinkers playing a trick on themselves to make their booze taste more sweet

The great attraction of retoxing is the glamour of transgression. In December, a drink was just a drink. In January, by some magic of the calendar, a drink becomes a protest against the prevailing culture of restraint. In January, it becomes illicit to continue drinking at the rate you were drinking before. This is another trick that drinkers, the most self-deceiving of the secular sinners, play upon their other selves. They have their booze and drink it too.

The old rituals of Christianity are becoming the new rituals of the pissed

That Drynuary functions as a Lent for the drunken is a well-established observation. We may go further and assert that Christian rituals are in the process of becoming mere waypoints in the annual drinking calendar. Christmas is now observed chiefly as a time for drinking with the family. The concept of Lent, moved to January and given a silly name, is a time for being sober with friends. What does Easter really mean to you: the resurrection of Jesus Christ, or an extra two days to get over your hangover?

This realisation allows us to predict what will happen to all the churches once the last of the worshippers have gone: they will become Wetherspoons.

Any health benefits of Drynuary are secondary to the bragging benefits

If Drynuaryds are being honest, they aren’t interested in the health benefits. If they were interested in the health benefits, they’d commit to a moderate but permanent reduction in their alcohol intake rather than a temporary but total abstention.

The greatest attraction of Drynuary is being able to tell everyone that you’re observing Drynuary. An invite to the pub can be turned down with the offhand smugness available only to those committed to an abstract idea. Only one response is more irritating – to accept, order a coke and start talking about your dramtically improved libido and all the free time and money you now have to spend improving your crochet.

This won’t last. February’s near; they’ll soon come crawling back.

See also:

Analyse this: Why is the idea of a cat cafe so popular with Londoners?

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