Top 5

Five imperishable truths about modern life learned in an afternoon at Westfield

Mike Pollitt | Monday 14 March, 2011 11:08

We hold these truths to be self-evident. We saw them in Shepherd’s Bush.

Choice is paralysing
It’s lunctime. No problem, I’m in Westfield, I’ll buy myself some food. After all, it’s abundantly stocked. But hmm what do I fancy? Don’t really want to sit down or pay too much money. Hmm. Probably a sandwich then. Don’t really fancy any in particular, probably just have ham. Hmm. Pret do ham sandwiches, so do Eat, so do M&S…which is nearest? Which is cheapest? Which is nicest? Why can’t I make a simple decision?! Am I even hungry? Fuck it, just go to Burger King. Damn you, saturation brand penetration. Damn you to hell.

Westfield is one of the few public places in London it’s still possible to nap
Sometimes, when you’re far from home, sweet Morpheus begins his beguiling lullaby and you feel yourself gagging for a quick nap. If it’s summer and the ground is dry, you can usually find an obliging spot of parkland. If the weather is inclement, you’re condemned to a depressing trudge across the city into the arms of you’re own sofa. Westfield is one of the rare places which a.) has comfortable public furniture, and b.) is a large enough monument to faceless anonymity that no one minds if you nod off right in the middle of it.

Prams are evolving
They get bigger and more elaborate every season. In the future, when every labour saving device is a robot, it’s a safe bet that the pram robots will be the first ones to throw off their shackles and enslave us all. And I for one will welcome our new pram overlords.

Waitrose is amazing
Say what you like, but have you seen the vegetable selection? Mmmmm…fresh romanesco…

Escalators are ridiculous
Humans, you’re so lazy you invented a device that removes the necessity of walking. Hang your heads in shame.

---