Sound

10 musicians that 'should' make a Christmas song

Kathryn Bromwich | Wednesday 19 December, 2012 14:00

Creepy Snowman by woodleywonderworks

It’s Christmas time again, and we all know what that means: mince pies, mulled wine, and the same awful festive songs, played ad nauseam at every party you attend and in every pub you step foot in. With The Pogues, East 17, Wham! and (arguably) Slade at the ‘good’ end of the spectrum and Michael Bublé at the other, the chances of you wanting to throw yourself under a bus are higher than ever.

Sure, there is some fine Christmas music by the Beach Boys, Sufjan Stevens and the Sex Pistols, but December is one month long, and unless the Mayans got it right, it will continue to happen, implacable and relentless, every single year. There are only so many times you can listen to King Knight by Salem, Lindstrøm’s 43-minute remix of Little Drummer Boy, and Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis by Tom Waits. It’s time for some new songs that you can add to your Christmas Spotify playlist.

So here is a plea to ten bands to please, please make some Christmas music, for our ears’ and our sanity’s sake.

Scott Walker
Suggested title: Yuletide at Stalin’s

I envisage this being about thirteen minutes long, starting with the sound of Christmas pudding after Christmas pudding being splattered against a slab of sheet metal. This is followed by a series of industrial noises, unsettling squelches and thudding drums competing against each other, occasionally interrupted by abrupt silences. Six minutes in, Scott’s baritone kicks in with an amorphous, low howl of pain that gradually transforms into words. The lyrics would be about the bitter cold, the soil rotting outside, and Stalin’s genocidal fantasies. These would be interspersed with cryptic, symbolism-ridden lines about horses, muzhiks, and the suffering inherent in the human condition.

Sebastien Tellier
Suggested title: Let It Come (A Sexy Christmas)

We all know that Christmas is a time for love: for humankind, for your neighbour, and for your family. But how about what Freud would term ‘genital love’? Picture a modern-day Serge Gainsbourg song framed by buoyant electronic beats, with a video of quasi-nude French models writhing around a pole adorned with baubles. Sebastien’s lovely lady love could spice things up with orgasmic moans and satisfied ‘mmm’s. Sebastien would perform this dressed as Jesus, draped in a white cloth and wearing his trademark sunglasses.

Die Antwoord
Suggested song title: XXXmas vs. Ninjas

For those of you planning some serious Christmas revelry, look no further than this unpredictable South African rap-rave ensemble. Featuring high-speed Afrikaans rapping and headache-inducingly banging beats, inappropriate lyrics, and theatrical costumes, this will make even your office party feel less boring.

Boredoms
Suggested title: _{*}

This would involve thirty-two minutes of guttural chanting, dramatic crescendos, and as many drummers as possible. The band’s shamanic frontman Eye would work the band up to an anarchic but tightly controlled frenzy, before starting a cyclical, mesmerising repetition of chords that will leave you dazed for weeks. During live performances, he would crash a steel-armoured sleigh through the wall of whatever venue they are playing in. As the ass and the ox can attest, health and safety is not a necessity at Christmas.

Big Boi
Suggested title: $anta’$ Chri$tma$ $ong (Ca$h)

Consumerism is a big part of Christmas, and Big Boi knows a thing or two about business. He could educate us all with some clever rhyming about making dollars in the festive season. ‘While y’all are watching Murder She Wrote re-runs / my tunes are selling faster than Usain Bolt runs,’ he could rap. The chorus would be a young woman singing about how sexy she finds Santa, with a sly allusion to his ability to last all night.

Grinderman
Suggested title: O Come All Ye Faithful

Nick Cave and his merry old men would do a wonderfully filthy remake of this Christmas classic, crammed with literary allusions and sleaze. It would be a bluesy number with jagged Stooges-style guitar riffs, and Cave’s deep voice would drip disgust at the world and at his own indecent desires.

Dying Fetus
Suggested title: Bleed, Virgin

I’m not normally a fan of death metal, but to balance out all those soft and soppy ditties about family values and snowflakes, this song is unfortunately necessary. The lyrics would be distasteful, but at least they would be less retch-inducing than Justin Bieber’s.

The Flaming Lips
Suggested title: The Fairy Lights (are Dancing!!)

Psychedelia, tinsel and elves are at the essence of this song, the inspiration for which came to Wayne Coyne during a particularly fruitful acid trip. They would perform it live on a real-life, perfectly-functioning flying sleigh, throwing gift-shaped balloons, fake snow and glitter onto the fans tripping balls below.

Stevie Nicks
Suggested title: Snow

This would be a ballad of resounding beauty and heartbreak, driving all who hear it to tears of simultaneous joy and sadness. Reminiscent of Fleetwood Mac at their peak but with added 80’s-style synth, it would be simple but perfect.

Swans feat. Einstürzende Neubauten
Suggested title: Weihnachten mit die Mutter der Welt

An antidote to the saccharine bilge that is everywhere at Christmas, this dream collaboration would probably not be all that festive, but you would be too entranced to notice. It’s not like either of these bands needs any help making abrasive yet transcendental noise, but together, dressed like elf factory workers in a dystopian future, they would create something akin to a religious experience.

Other possibilities …
• Rihanna dressed up as a sexy Santa purring about what a naughty, naughty girl she has been this year.
• Battles doing something Brazilian-sounding and dancefloor-friendly, overlayed with high-pitched elf voices singing about toys.
• I was going to suggest that Lil B record a song with his cat, calling it Keke’s Got Xmas Swag. But, as always, the Based God is one step ahead of us all.

Follow Kathryn on Twitter @kathryn42 and check out her blog London Scrawling.

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