The Metropolis

Wrong Again: What to eat when there's nothing left to eat in the house

Amil Niazi | Friday 19 November, 2010 09:47

Daniel Zimmer photo

I see you sitting there. Wondering.

“Amil, am I really going to die alone, face down in a puddle of mysterious ooze that may or may not consist of my own bodily fluids?” Yes. Yup. Of course you are. We all are. Who cares? Your Facebook status is not going to UPDATE ITSELF. And it doesn’t mean you don’t have to go to work tomorrow, so just shut up and listen for once in your life.

I know the only person that will even know you’re dead is the pizza man (or woman), and they stopped taking your calls weeks ago. I get you. Because I am you.

But this column is like the Terminator 2 when Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually the good guy. I’m going to teach you how to “So You Think You Can Single!” What does that mean? What doesn’t it mean!

Let’s pour a whiskey and get into it.

This week is about the basics: What to eat when there’s nothing left to eat in the house and there’s no money in your wallet either and if you go to the bank to get cash to order a pizza then you might as well just go to the grocery store or eat out in public but if that was the kind of person you were you would’ve stopped reading this at “nothing left to eat.”

1.) I like to start with the cupboards because if there are “food” products in there, they probably don’t have an expiration date. And bonus, it’s already in its own bowl so BOOM no dishes. Is that tuna? Maybe? Awesome. Eat it like a cat!

2.) Nothing in the cupboard? Move on to the fridge. If three weeks ago you pretended you were going to turn your life around and bought a bunch of random vegetables then now is the time to cut out the wet parts and fry that shit up.

3.) Condiments only huh? Relax. I got this. I know there’s a starch somewhere in the house (bread, potato, rice, toilet paper, whatever.) You’d be surprised how good a bunch of mustard and soy sauce tastes on a cracker! It’s fusion.

4.) Oh really, nothing? Okay. Have you ever eaten ice? It’s actually quite filling. What about cigarettes?

5.) Oh fuck it. Eating is for the weak. Just distract yourself until you pass out. I hear there’s a really good episode of Bones online.

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