How do you know if you’ve picked the right career? How do you know if you’ve got the right partner? How do you know if you’re on track for where you wanted to be?

Are you one of your generation’s golden ones? Or destined for a middle course? Or could it be that all your dreams and desires will come to nothing on the road to a sad and lonely death?

Well navelgaze no longer, dear reader. For this handy guide to modern life will show you where you stand. Simply refer to your age bracket and choose the section which describes you best.

Under 20 years old
Stop reading this. You’re invincible. Go and get pissed.

21-25 years old
Front runner: You’re a YouTube phenomenon, you make money from art, music or sport, or your parents have contacts in the media. You’re all set.

Roughly on track: You’ve got your first job out of Uni. It’s all right, but it’s not what you really want to do, what you really want to do is something, you know… creative. You’ve got so much more to give. You’ve completed Angry Birds to 1 star standard.

Back Marker: You’re doing a Masters. In the humanities.

26-30 years old
Front runner: You know a love that will endure for eternity. You own your own place and it’s decorated with stuff that isn’t from Ikea. You just bought an iPad.

Roughly on track: Two years in and your relationship is going well. You can’t imagine not staying with them. It’s just… there is someone at work who… well… you can’t help but wonder. Your blog got 200 hits last month. Isn’t that something? You keep trying to grow your own herbs, but only the mint seems to work. You don’t really like mint.

Back Marker: You log into Mysinglefriend.com every 10 minutes to keep yourself at the top of the searches. You live in a house with more than three people. You just got a tattoo, but it’s dead individual.

31-35 years old
Front runner: You cook Jamie’s 30 Minute Meals in 30 minutes, and you always add your own twist. You have a baby on the way and your house just happens to be in a wonderful catchment area. You work from home. You think maybe the Tories aren’t so bad after all.

Roughly on track: They made you a lower middle manager. You update your blog once every four months, in a little three post spurt. Caitlin Moran replied to one of your Tweets though—how cool is that?! It’s a good day if you’re home in time to catch the end of Deal or No Deal on Channel 4+1.

Back Marker: Your best friends are students and you’ve started taking drugs again. You talk about cobbling some money together to do a Masters in one of the humanities. You leave comments on websites, and go on demonstrations.

36-40 years old
Front runner: Should you get that place in Cape Cod? No, you’ll wait til you retire at 50. You buy contemporary art from galleries. You actually know when a wine is good. Congratulations—you’ve won.

Roughly on track: You kissed someone else last Christmas, but it went no further. You just bought a Kinnect to lose some weight, only the lounge really isn’t quite big enough. You’re pleasantly surprised by how much cheaper it is drinking at home. It’s not all you wanted, but maybe it’s enough.

Back Marker: You talk to strangers in pubs. You have 27 followers on Twitter. You did badly out of the divorce. You’re thinking of starting a blog. May God have mercy on your soul.

40+ years old
Stop reading this. You’re irrelevant. Go and get pissed.