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Depressing christmases to make yours seem even better

Mike Pollitt | Wednesday 22 December, 2010 16:58

Christmas cheer is a good thing. No arguments there. But one thing Snipe can’t stand is the pretence that at this time of year, everyone is having a wonderful life. Some people are lonely or, worse, stuck with their families. In a spirit of festive empathy with their misery, here are five people who suffered entertainly awful Christmases. Cadbury’s fingers crossed that yours will be better than these.

Alan Partridge in a Pear Tree

Knowing Me Knowing Yule is, with the towering exception of The Office, the best comedy Christmas special ever made. The Vauxhall Labrador, the ribald chef, the kidney dialysis machine inside a massive cracker…it had it all – culminating in this moment where Alan punches Tony Hayers in the face with a stuffed turkey. A low point.

The Sticky Bandits

Home Alone is almost certainly the best film ever made. You will not find a flaw, for there are none. For the Sticky Bandits, Christmas was a disappointment. They didn’t get the loot. They did get an iron in the face, a nail through the foot, tarred and feathered and some hair singed off with a blowtorch. Humbug.

The Simpsons, Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
“Sounds like you’re having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society”. Some sniffy critics slag off the episode where Bart burns down the tree and the family become a charity case for the whole town. I know what Kent Brockman would say to those critics: “Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.”

Professional Footballers
How would you like it if you were told that you couldnt have a massive christmas lunch this year, you had to stick to pasta. And you needed to pop into the office for a couple of hours in the morning. And while you’re at it don’t make any plans for a Boxing Day stroll because you’ll be spending it on a coach to Sunderland and back. Would you be happy? Of course not. But that is the lot of the professional footballer. “Ah!” you scream. “BUT I DON’T GET PAID £x,000 A WEEK!” But by judging them on those terms, are you not implicitly endorsing the same money-centric framework you seek to overthrow…?

Joseph

Poor old Joe. Not only did he have to lug his pregnant wife across the desert on the back of a donkey, not only did he have to spend the night in a stable with a bunch of cows, tending to a wife whose nascent son was not even his own, but when he finally dropped off he got woken up by a load of shepherds and smart alecks tramping in to gawp at the newborn and give him a load of perfume and never asked for anyway. The poor man must have been completely shattered, and in desperate need of some mulled wine and a turkey sandwich.

And so am I. Merry Christmas!

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