The Metropolis

How to be a protestor

Mike Pollitt | Thursday 10 November, 2011 15:02

Paul Robertson photo

Thanks to the Occupy movement and the howl of the 99%, the oft-derided hobby of protesting is no longer confined exclusively to bearded drop outs and long-winded undergraduates. So, who’s doing it, and should you be one of them?

First up are the born protesters. They emerge from the womb lamenting the inequality of hormone provision in their mother’s body, and their first sentence is a multi-clausal repudiation of prevailing neoliberal economic theories. These people start all protests. You might say they’re the top 1% of the 99 per centers. Come the revolution, you fancy them to get first dibs on the oak smoked salmon when they start redistributing the Selfridges food hall.

Is it for you? It’s already too late for you to become one of these protesters, but trust me, you really wouldn’t want to be.

Next are the people who become protesters. In 99% of cases this is because they want to sleep with a born protester. Born protesters are sexy because they are so certain about everything. And because if they’re right, they’ll be the ones who end up moving into the palaces. Occasionally, someone who has become a protester will outdo the originals in commitment to the cause. This phenomenon is called the zeal of the convert, and can provoke jealous infighting because the newcomer is now more sexy than the old timers. 99% of protests ultimately fail because of this sexual jealously. This is why conservatives have traditionally controlled the levers of power, because they tend to be more frigid and don’t get distracted as easily.

Is it for you? Perhaps, but only if you’re attractive in an unkempt way and can be bothered having late night discussions about Slavoj Zizek.

Then there are those who have protesting thrust upon them. These are nice upstanding citizens who would never usually dream of speaking out, but who are so appalled by one egregious outrage that they feel they have no choice. A good example of this is the march against the Iraq war, when a million people found common cause against their own government. The march was so successful that there’s been no need to replicate it since.

This category of protester is also deeply troubled, on moral and ethical grounds, by necessary infrastructure work being planned within half a mile of their home. For example residents of Deptford, Wapping and Fulham are currently protesting about the construction of a super-sewer which might help us to stop flushing shit into the Thames every time it rains.

Is it for you? You’ll turn into one of these anyway when you hit 40, so don’t stress it.
Finally, the cowards who protest in mind but not in body. These people have sympathy with protesters, they might even go as far as to retweet some of their demands, but they are crippled by a fatal suspicion that pitching a tent in the middle of a city is a step too far for them thank you very much, and anyway won’t it be awfully cold? These people “completely understand where the protesters are coming from” and “really appreciate the issues they’ve raised”. They suspect that something should probably be done, but they’d really rather someone else was the one to do it.

Is it for you? Almost certainly.

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