The Metropolis

London's best unwritten novels, and where you should go to write them

Mike Pollitt | Sunday 24 March, 2013 11:18

Let’s face it, time is running out for you to write the last great British novel before the medium disappears forever.

Soon, all narratives will be constructed from algorithms running off social media status updates. The algorithms will be so sophisticated, and the stories they create so satisfying, that human input will be superfluous. The author will finally die.

In the meantime, there’s about a ten year window for you to write the great novel to end them all.

The only problem? Writing a novel, especially finishing writing a novel, is hard. Where in this city are the most inspiring places to sit down, pull out a notebook and scribble? And what characters, themes and observations might they inspire?

Here are some ideas.

Suggested novel: The Gentrification of Miss Lily Brown
Plot, thus: A “funny, heartfelt” romance following brash provincial Lily as she moves to Clapton, starts a vegetable plot and leaves her down at heel past behind. But her neighbour, a down-at-heel lifelong resident of the area, doesn’t take well to Lily’s new-fangled ways…
Place to write it: Independent coffee shop, Chatsworth Rd, Clapton The main limitation here will be finding a place to sit amongst the other would be writers, freelance journalists, bloggers, and two year olds in prams. The other danger is that a novel which you originally intended to be a searing indictment of the relentless homogenisation of urban space will end up being fluffy comedy, with a happy ending brought about by your characters’ shared love of something twee. There’s a reason George Orwell looked for inspiration among tramps and hop-pickers, not among the clientele of the nearest creperie.

Suggested novel: A Sense of Falling
Plot, thus: A panoramic multi-generational London novel, focussing on the changing fortunes of a family of immigrants set against the background of sweeping social change. If that sounds a bit like White Teeth/Brick Lane, remember that White Teeth/Brick Lane sold a lot of copies.
Place to write it: Top of the Shard. At £25 a pop, this isn’t the cheapest desk space in town. But think of the bird’s eye view of the ants crawling below. Here is perspective. Here is knowledge. Here is…oh, it’s cloudy. Never mind.

Suggested novel: The Seventh Cemetery
Plot, thus: A trail of mysterious clues leads a London blogger turned amateur sleuth on a journey into the crypts and crevices of London’s Magnificent Seven cemeterys. What’s the significance of the tombstone code? Who are the shadowy figures following our hero at every turn? And does a unmarked grave in Kensal Rise hold a secret that could shake London itself to its foundations?
Place to write it: A cemetery! Abney Park is usually full of willowy models appearing in ghoulish photo shoots. So either avoid or approach there, depending on your taste.

Suggested novel: The Consumptive Heart
Plot, thus: Our idealistic hero makes a stand against iniquitous corporate interests by joining an anarchist group committed to making big companies pay their taxes. But is the group’s violence acceptable, even when civil means get them nowhere? What does it mean for society when the individual divorces themselves from the state? And how will our hero react when they discover that their protest group lover has been an undercover police officer all along?
Place to write it: McDonald’s interior, Oxford Street
The McDonald’s nearest Oxford Circus tube station is an important place for any state of the city writer to understand. It’s a plastic cave, dark and grey, stinking of evolutionarily attractive food scents, a place for modern humans to retreat, to de-evolve. Be careful of this place, writer. You cannot change it. But it can change you.

Suggested novel: Derivative Assignment
Plot, thus: Financial thriller in which a young male banker, infected with the worst diseases of his profession, is assigned to the account of a superrich client. On a journey through the tax havens and yachts of the superrich world, he uncovers a global web of money, power and corrupted morals which returns him at last to London and a confrontation with his past. Will he follow the money, or try to escape? Will he even have a choice?
Place to write it: The Jubilee Line to and from Canary Wharf. Just go forward and back, observing all the while. They’ll be plenty of material for you here.

See also
The best places in London to drink alone
The best places in London to break up with someone

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