The Metropolis

Some ways a non-monarchist can enjoy the Jubilee without giving up all critical thought

Mike Pollitt | Friday 1 June, 2012 15:22

My barber just wished me “a happy Jubilee weekend”, and I realised that people are actually doing this. They’re doing the Jubilee weekend. But how are they doing it? And more importantly, how should they?

For two groups of people, the answer is simple. The unapologetic monarchists are waving their flags and fawning at their hereditary leader. The vituperative republicans are snarking their dissent and being wantonly alternative. Those stranded in the middle find it a quite bewildering place.

What to do if you’re no fan of hereditary wealth and power, but respectful of the power of tradition? If you wouldn’t start with a monarchy, but think that since we’ve got one it probably does less harm than good? You’re neither a republican, nor a monarchist. Let’s call you a monarchnostic*. For you, just as for the small boats bobbing on the choppy waters of Sunday’s river pageant, navigation of the celebrations is perilous indeed.

Here are some options.

1. Suspend all critical thought and just get pissed

A superficially attractive approach, to be sure. If you take this road you will have a good time whether you’re at a street party or a revolutionary rally. But on Wednesday morning, when the hangover pounds inside your skull like a marching band, it will be to the tune of rank intellectual cowardice. Have some self-respect, and keep this option as a last resort.

2. Go to a street party a-ironically

There are several street parties going on this weekend. These will be populated by two groups: ironic cool types wearing “I heart corgi” t-shirts; and unironic line-towers waving flags and singing Rule Britannia. As a thoughtful monarchnostic, it is imperative that you do not identify with either of these factions. If you attend a street party, you must do so a-ironically. You must rid your mind not only of irony, but also the absence of irony. This is no small task. Your best bet is to dress neutrally, talk about the weather and imagine you’re American.

3. A monarchnostic picnic in the park

Think extremely carefully about your choices of venue, food and drink. For East London monarchnostics, (Queen) Victoria Park is obviously out of the question. All Royal Parks should probably be avoided in favour of smaller local greeneries with unobtrusive names. For balance, also steer clear of traditional republican meeting points like statues of people who helped the poor. Once at the park, work even harder than usual to avoid any insects whose social hierarchy culminates in a queen. If you find any, on no account chop off their heads, but try not to let the idle freeloaders feast on your hard-earned vanilla slices.

As far as food goes, Jubilee hampers from M&S have no place here, nor should revolutionary foodstuffs like brioche. Don’t drink anything connected with the British Empire’s history of conquest and subjugation, such as Indian tea, Caribbean rum or Scottish Irn Bru.

4. Choose bunting wisely

To bunt or not to bunt? On balance, discrete bunting may be appropriate for a domestic BBQ, as long as the patterns used avoid flags, heraldry or I heart corgi messages.

5. Enjoy the right bits of the river pageant

Attending an organised Jubilee event need not imply out and out monarchism, as long as you enjoy the right bits. Take pleasure in classical music and historically interesting boats. If the Queen sails past, distance yourself from cheering buffoons, look the lady square in the face and convey by a steely expression and a firm nod that you respect her many hours of work, but do so purely as an equal. Then suspend all critical thought and go and get pissed.

*Linguistic pedants: be reassured – I am aware that making this portmanteau commits a gross crime against the original Greek components, one which I can’t defend and so won’t even try.

---