Top 5

Things girls wear that guys secretly hate

Mike Pollitt | Tuesday 22 February, 2011 10:17

The following is written from the perspective of a straight male, and rooted in a deeply conceived aesthetic sensibility. That and the fact that I saw a girl on the tube in a particularly bad case of number 4 and it nearly made me sick.

1. Ugg boots
The classic female fashion item loathed by blokes the world over. Here’s why: the whole aesthetic attraction of the lower leg is that it tapers towards the ankle. This is pleasantly suggestive of other areas of the body, and quite enough to set a man’s heart racing all by itself. Not for nothing was an ancient Greek equivalent of “babe” the word καλλίσφυρος, meaning “sexy-ankled”. Helen of Troy wouldn’t be seen dead in an Ugg boot; nor should you.

2. Their boyfriend’s hoodie
Bulky, shapeless, unflattering. So what if it’s comfortable? Life’s a catwalk.

3. High-waisted trousers
The theory is all well and good: On a tall, slim girl this does look aesthetically pleasing in a sexless sort of way. But in practice they evoke nothing so much as the memory of Grandpa shuffling around the nursing home with his trousers pulled up to his chest, and that’s not an association anyone should ever want to make.

4. Harem pants
Why would anyone want to look like their arse is melting? It just makes no sense.

5. Very high heels
Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing sexy about your foot sliding sideways every time you put it down. It looks bad. And if sexual attraction is rooted in evolution, then the last thing a man wants is to be lumbered with a stumbling mate while a woolly mammoth eats the baby. Stay light on your feet girls, it’s for the best.

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