The Metropolis

Royal's nurse suicide provides opportunity

Demon Blogger of Fleet Street | Monday 10 December, 2012 11:13

The House of Windsor contributes nothing to society. The royal family does not even unite the nation – far from it, in fact. The time has come not to abolish the monarchy but to reform it and give it real value

Scapegoating of the two Aussie DJs who prank called the hospital in which the future King, or Queen, was swimming in the fetal wading pool of its mother, the Duchess of Whatever, will continue unabated.

It is widely believed, but not yet confirmed, that Jacintha Saldanha, the nurse who first accepted, and then forwarded the prank call, killed herself.

Should that turn out to be the case, the Aussies, Mel Grieg and Michael Christian, are no more responsible for the nurse’s suicide than Ozzy was for the suicide of one of his teenaged fans back in the 80s.

While Ozzy was tried in a court of law, the Aussies will be tried by the media and on the Internet. Indeed, the trial has already begun and it ain’t looking good for the smart-assed prats from down under.

It beggars belief that Saldanha killed herself, if she did, solely because of the prank call. Could it be that she was subjected to unjustifiable abuse because of her faux pas?

The House of Windsor has stated, “At no point did the Palace complain to the hospital about the incident. On the contrary, we offered our full and heartfelt support to the nurses involved at all times.” Okay. I believe you. For now.

An official statement from King Edward VII Hospital stopped short of denying that it had reprimanded the nurse by stating, “The hospital had been supporting her (Saldanha) throughout this difficult time.” Again, it beggars belief that Saldanha was not reprimanded in any way.

The truth may, or may not, come out. It may, or may not, be reported.

But here’s an undeniable fact – if there were no royals, there would have been no prank call, and the nurse would still be alive.

The fact that there is a royal family is proof positive that humans are capable of swallowing the most profound and absurd of delusions. The royals actually believe they are better than the rest of us. And the multitudinous, mush-minded monarchists believe it, too (and there’s your opportunity, monarchists, to mumble, “Well, they are certainly a lot better than you, sir,”).

Those of us who see the monarchy for the pathetic and still somewhat dangerous charade that it is, would very much like to see an end to the House of Windsor. We don’t have to go all Robespierre on their heads, but… oh, never mind. If the monarchists want to continue to support the Windsors, let them pay the freight themselves.

Strip the Windsors of their titles, give them begging bowls (if a begging bowl was good enough for the Buddha, it’s good enough for his lessers) and throw them into council estates with the rest of the welfare bums. Use the Internet to inform the world as to what street corners they will be begging on every day, stinking of cider and barking, “You there. I am your KING, God damn it. Gizza few bob.”

But that is not to say that the monarchy must be abolished. Most monarchists worship royalty because they are still trapped in their childhood dreams of being king or queen, prince or princess. So, give them the chance to fulfill those dreams by establishing a royal lottery. King, or Queen, for a month. Profits to the poor.

Better yet, create a game show. Commoners compete to become king and/or queen for a month.

Contestants have to answer questions on royal history. In order to test their creativity and humanity, and to prolong the divine rule nonsense, contestants would also have to tell the host, God himself (played by Johnny Rotten), what they would do to make the world a better place. Viewers vote via text message, with proceeds going to the poor.

The winners of the monthly competitions would then face the reigning monarchs in mortal combat. Those spectacles would generate massive pay-per-view windfalls, again with all proceeds going to the poor.

We have not been raking in much from the colonies of late, but we could start to do so again by allowing their filthy commoners to compete to become king and/or queen of the realm. After all, would it not be poetic justice if Mr. Christian and Miss Grieg were the first to take up residence at Buckingham Palace?

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