Theatre

Snipe's Theatre guide for May

Alan Hindle | Wednesday 11 May, 2011 18:56

OFF WEST END

Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, 21 New Globe Walk, Bankside, shakespearesglobe.com. Mansion House, London Bridge stations
All's Well That Ends Well, As You Like It from 17 May, Much Ado About Nothing and Hamlet. Three comedies and a psychodrama- although personally I think there is enough humour in Hamlet to qualify as a "dark comedy".

Almeida Theatre. Almeida Street, Islington. Box office 020 7359 4404. almeida.co.uk, Highbury and Islington Station.
A Delicate Balance 5 May – 2 Jul. When you're rich you have to make your own problems. Fortunately, human beings are incredibly resourceful at being disasters, so while socialites Agnes and Tobias are forced to lead glossy lives of cocktails and air-kissing they have troubled family and troublesome friends to invade their home and tear their easy life apart. A Delicate Balance won Edward Albee a Pulitzer and cemented his reputation as a playwright of acidic wit.

Courtyard Theatre, 40 Pitfield Street, 020 7729 2202, thecourtyard.org.uk, Old Street Station
Agamemnon, 3-15 May. "Hi honey, I'm home!" "You're ten years late! Don't give me that 'aw honey' look, you've been down the pubs haven't you?" "Sorry, baby, I went to war with Troy. But look, I brought you back something!" "You brought some floozy home with you? To our house?!" "Sweetheart, this is Cassandra, she's not a floozy, she's a clairvoyant! She sees the future! She's said a bunch of stuff already, but I wasn't really listening…" "I'll tell you the future, mister! A dinner burning in the oven for a decade and a cold sofa to sleep on!" "Jeez, babycakes, don't take it that way." "And a frying pan to the head! Did she tell you about that? Huh? HUH?" "Well, actually, she did sort of mention someth-" The Comedy of Errors, 17-22 May. Shakespeare's comedy transported to the cheesy 1980s. It will be even better than Hot Tub Time Machine.

Finborough Theatre, 118 Finborough Road, finboroughtheatre.co.uk, 0844 847 1652, Earl's Court Station
And I and Silence, 10 May -4 June. Two women in an American prison, one black one white, form a bond of survival. The blurb on the Finborough's site is confusing for me. If they don't make this deal between them work they'll lose everything, because "the outside world is even more dangerous to their friendship than the jail itself." So they are working to somehow stay safe in jail than be forced to serve their time and leave? The Goodnight Bird, Sundays and Mondays 15-30 May. A hobo alights on an elderly couple's condo balcony, talking sex and stirring things up. Part of Finsborough's three month season of women playwrights.

Barbican Centre, Silk Street, 020 7638 8891, or barbican.org.uk, Barbican Station
And the Horse You Rode In On, until 14 May. Why do people believe the crazy things they do? The less tenable and reasonable, the more destructive, hurtful, narrow-minded and inexplicable the stronger they believe in it-precisely because it is so stupid. "I believe in this ridiculous idea BECAUSE it's so ridiculous. There must be something to it, otherwise why would I believe in it?" Inspired
by a number of sources, including Hitchcock and Dario Fo, Told By An Idiot Theatre tell a dark tale of incompetence and blind ignorance. Also, until 22 May, Laurie Anderson. Trisha Brown and Gordon Matta-Clark give a retrospective of their work from the bankrupt 70s in New York.

Diorama Theatre 15-16 Triton Place, box office: 0844 2090 344, newdiorama.com, Great Portland Street, Warren Street Stations
Birthday of the Infanta 6-8 May. Diorama are having a season of bursts of children's theatre, starting with this Oscar Wilde gem about a 12-year old Spanish princess's birthday. Class Act 8 May, Snow White 15 May, with her several diminutive gentlemen miners. 73A 10-28 May. A mother and child take the bus to visit the child's dying father. The show, in both Cantonese and English, is in two halves and will alternate the two languages. Trojan Women, 27 May. Free picnic play on the grass outside the theatre! Wheeee! Great idea. The play, I presume, is about women who are from Troy. Possibly having a picnic before Greece turns up.

Madam Jojo’s 8-10 Brewer Street, 07850 603 741, madamejojos.com, Piccadilly Circus
Bête Noire has launched a new burlesque cabaret every Thursday night, with host Ophelia Bitz (a magical name) and gypsy jazz from Manouche. Something every night.

Carnivale, 2 Whitechurch Lane, 020 8616 0776, www.carnivale.co.uk. Whitechapel Station
Cabaret every Sunday at 8pm.

Old Vic Theatre, The Cut, Waterloo Road, 0844 871 7628, oldvictheatre.com, Waterloo, Lambeth North, Southwark Stations
Cause Célèbre, running until 11 June. A murdered man's adulterous wife is arrested. She claims full responsibility, despite the possibility her young lover did it.

Comedy Theatre, Panton Street, thecomedytheatre.co.uk, Piccadilly Circus Station
The Children’s Hour, running until 7 May. Written by Lillian Helman, The Children’s Hour is about two women, their lives and the girls school they’ve spent years building up, are destroyed by lies. Starring Keira Knightly, Elizabeth Moss and Carol Kane. ??Betrayal 27 May- 20 Aug. Working through every permutation of cheating two couples can come up with over nine years, Betrayal is considered one of Pinter's heavyweight plays. Starring Kristin Scott Thomas.

Baron's Court Theatre at Curtain's Up Pub, 28a Comeragh Road 0208 932 4747
Crown Matrimonial, until 7 May. Ed the 8th dumps the crown to hang with Wally Simpson, leaving stuttering brother Nazi George free to win the Oscar. The Revengers 10-21 May. Former TV adventuress Gemma Peel is now semi-retired actress Katy West looking after her crumbling commie husband- until a loan shark appears, offering Katy/Gemma a chance to karate chop flying kick double scissor tongue stab one last villain to death. I may have invented that entire plot, but I can see it all in my head. It ends with Gemma joining me for a pint on a canal boat pub before sending the night in my Volkswagon motor home parked near the swimming hole in Hampstead Heath.

Camden Peoples Theatre, 58-60 Hampstead Road, box office: 08444 77 1000. cptheatre.co.uk
The Customer is Always Wrong, 3-5 May Bill Aitchison, performance artist and raconteur, tells of his taking the British Citizenship test in China. Why would a Brit need to take a citizen test for his own country, let alone take it on the other side of the world? Well, it is Aitchison, after all, where else would Bill take it? Wash-a-Bye Baby, 6-8 May. Babies are a nightmare. The old fashioned way was to put them in a basket and float them down the Nile, let Pharaoh take care of it. Bringing up a child in the world today is like raising a tiny hurricane in a whirlwind, or a tiny volcano, spewing hot vomit, crap and screams everywhere. Kati Francis suggests, in this dark, physical show, that it's a miracle the Nile isn't choked with baskets.

Camden People's Theatre have also sent me a press notice about Pulse,
26 May- 11 Jun, essentially the Fringe Festival of Ipswich. 50 shows over two weeks, mostly priced between £5-8, pulsefringe.com.

Blue Elephant Theatre, 59a. Bethwin Road, 020 7701 0100, blueelephanttheatre.co.uk, Oval Station
Elephuny 1 and 2, May 4 and 11. Two evenings, four stand up comics. The gorgeous Diane Spencer, the troubled Jim Smallman, then he brill-cremed Tony Law and (to judge by his press photo) the four-legged James Sherwood. He appears to have two tiny peg-legs growing out of his ass. There's go to be some comedy there. Casa and Magical Chairs, 19-21 May. two short plays about what means to have a home and what it means to not. Unmythable, 25-28 May. Myths and legends retold in modern ways.

Tabard Theatre, 2 Bath Road, Chiswick, 020 8995 6035, tabardweb.co.uk. Turnham Green Station. Sloane Square, South Kensington Stations
Extremities, until 7 May. A play of revenge. A woman is raped, but manages to capture her attacker and now now teeters on what is appropriate- justice or vengeance. Ruddigore 17 May- 12 Jun. I have never heard of this play. Gilbert and Sullivan churned out so many, but I thought I's seen or heard of them all. Nope. This sounds quite brilliant. In the feudal land of Ruddigore, generations of the ruling baronet have been cursed to do one bad thing a day. Then Sir Despard discovers he has a long-long older brother who should have inherited the curse. Robin, though, is a bit of a wet and righteous blanket. Can he learn to be a heel? Only the libretto will tell.

Rosemary Branch Theatre, 2 Shepperton Road, Canonbury, 020 7704 6665, rosemarybranch.co.uk Highbury and Islington Station
I Am a Camera, 3-29 May. Christopher Isherwood's tale of blinkered hedonism in Nazifying Germany, the novel became a play, which became a film, which inspired a musical, which this is not. I don't think I mention enough that The Rosemary do brilliant dinner/chat nights where you can have a symposium with academic types about the themes. I attended one for The Leonardo Question, and except for the fact they ran out of desserts and I had to make do with a huge
chocolate pudding swimming in warm chocolate sauce it was well worth the thirty quid.

Young Vic Theatre, 66 The Cut, Waterloo Road, 020 7922 2922, youngvic.org, Waterloo, Southwark Stations
I am the Wind until 21 May. From French film director Patrice Chéreau (Le Reine Margot). Two lads on a bender push their little boat out to sea and are soon lost in a fog and more myth. At least they thought to bring some booze with them. And some food, very important when you're drinking, health and safety.

Arcola Theatre, 24 Ashwin Street, 020 7 503 1646. arcolatheatre.com, Dalston Kingsland Mainline Station, and eventually Dalston Underground station
Lakeboat and Prairie du Chien, until 7 May. Double bill of David Mamet. Uncle Vanya until 4 June. Miserable Russians moan about their wasted lives, occasionally attempting suicide and murder, then having lunch and a glass of vodka. Get some knitting in. It doesn't sound promising, but there is a lot of humour hidden in Chekhov's melancholic writing, tucked under the cushions of all that
furniture. Hopefully some of that will be dug out to make this a great show. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 10-11 May, from Arcola's Youth Theatre company. Chemical changes let a good man's dark side out. Sounds like puberty all right.

Hampstead Theatre, 98 Avenue Road, 020 7722 9301, hampsteadtheatre.com, Swiss Cottage Station
Little Eagles until 7 May. Yuri Gagarin's all over the magazines lately, but leading Soviet engineer Sergei Korolyov, caught between a bloc and a harsh space, is an equally interesting story. Silence, 12-28 May. Growing up in Alberta, Canada, there were times when I found myself in the wild, literally hundreds of miles from anything, with nothing but the quiet and my own voice talking to fill the gaps. True silence can be quite disturbing to the modern, urban mind. In this
collaboration by Filter and David Barr various characters struggle with silence and the noise it creates. In the downstairs theatre, The Stock Da'Wa, running until 14 May. Directed by the brilliant Kathy Burke and written by David Eldridge. Belongings 19 May- 11 June. A woman returns from military service in Afghanistan to find home life has become less familiar and more treacherous.

Steamboat Bordello, Tower Pier, steamboatbordello.com
The Mad Hatter's Boat Party 1 May. Probably going on even as this paper hits the street, slides down the gutter and plugs up the sewers. But check their website from time to time. They seem to be trying to gear up to be a semi-regular thing.

Kings Head Theatre, 115 Upper Street, Islington, box office 0844 209 0326, kingsheadtheatre.org Highbury and Islington
Madam Butterfly, The Barber of Seville, Pagliacci, La Boheme, HMS Pinafore, Popea, all playing all over the calendar through May.

Etcetera Theatre, Oxford Arms Pub at 265 Camden High Street. 020 7482 4857, etceteratheatre.com, Camden Town Station
The Madness of Andre Yates, 10-15, 17-22, May and 31 May- 5 June. In 2001 Yates, believing she was possessed by the devil, drowned her five children to save them. There not being such a thing as universal healthcare, then (or, as yet, now) Andrea slipped through a non-existent system which might have identified her madness and saved the kids. Using actual transcripts and expressionism, Cruel Theatre investigate the larger consequences of mental illness. Beyond Therapy, 24-29 May. On the lighter side of craziness, though, comes this frantic farce about sex-obsessed lunatics and their even wackier psychiatrists! Christopher Durang's Broadway hit has been relocated to the UK, where there isn't quite the culture of going to one's shrink, but the fixation on sex and cats is just as strong. Loads of other stuff at the Etc, as well.

Little Angel Theatre, 14 Dagmar Passage, 020 7359 8581, littleangeltheatre.com, Angel Station
The Magician's Daughter 28 May- 10 Jul. Inspired by The Tempest, which Little Angel just staged in collaboration with the RSC, the Magician's Daughter gives Miranda's adventures as she wanders the enchanted island. A show for slightly younger kids, 3-6. As ever, beautiful puppets and lovely storytelling. Apparently not suitable for under 3s, though there are "baby-friendly" shows on Sunday mornings.

Bridewell Theatre, Bride Lane off Fleet Street, 0207 353 3331, stbridefoundation.org, Blackfriars Station
Lunchtime, The Man of Mode but not starting until 31 May. Evening's Bright Lights Big City, 3-7 May. Richard III 23-26 May. A Doll's House 31 May- 4 Jun.

Tricycle Theatre, 269 Kilburn High Road, 0207 328 1000, tricycle.co.uk, Kilburn Station
Mark Thomas 3-28 May. Taking a break from Hens and Chickens to wander the 750 km Palestinian-Israeli border and write a book about his experiences. That's good, he needed a bit of sun, looked a bit peaked. Thomas is one of very few comedians today with political gravitas. A sort of one-man roving Daily Show. Perhaps not quite as funny but just as insightful and incisive.

New Wimbledon Theatre ambassadortickets.com/wimbledon, Wimbledon Station
Matthew Bourne's Cinderella, 5-7 May. All action fairy tale, with Cinders leaping off buildings and sniping the wicked stepsisters who made her. Maybe not. The Perfect Party 5-7 May in the Studio Theatre. Sweet if somewhat sitcomish play about a kid's birthday party without any kids but a lot of high-strung parents, half-assed entertainers, and one sexy XXX clown. Who Dunit? 10-14 May, CB Gilford's reworking of the Hitchcock Presents episode. A murdered mystery writer is given a chance by an angel to go back to Earth to find his killer. Horrible Histories, 24-28 May. Taken directly from the books, a brilliant hook to get kids into history. Al Murray Barrel of Extra Fun, 12 May. Al pours beer. Loads of other stuff, too.

Donmar Warehouse, 41 Earlham Street, box office 0844 871 7624, donmarwarehouse.com, Covent Garden Station
Moonlight 7 Apr- 28 May. A dying man looks back over a life of fears, regrets, and the estrangement of his sons, but takes comfort in his wife Bel and daughter. Sometimes distance is the only way to get close to your family, because when you're in the room together a chasm opens up bigger than any bottomless ocean. One of Pinter's later plays, I don't remember if there is any political angle to it. Just a rumination of life and loss.

Pentameters Theatre, above the Horseshoe Pub, 28 Heath Street, 020 7435 3648, pentameterstheatre.co.uk, Hampstead Station
My Husband and I until 13 May. A trio of snippets from other plays about royal couples living relatively normal lives. Just popping out for some limes for the GTs and polish for the crowns! In Good King Charles's Golden Days by GB Shaw, Leading Strings by Lawrence Houseman and Alexander's Horse, by Maurice Baring. The poster for the show is awesome. Blazing purples and unicorn corgis.

Upstairs at the Gatehouse, 1 North Road, Highgate, 020 8340 3488, upstairsatthegatehouse.com, Highgate Station
Northanger Abbey until 14 May. Jane Austen's first novel, adapted by John Cooper. Play it Again, Sam 20 May- 26 June. Woody Allen's play/film about a neurotic guy being advised on dating by the spirit of Humphrey Bogart is a play once more.

Hens and Chickens, 109 St. Pauls Road, 020 7704 7612, unrestrictedview.co.uk, Highbury and Islington Station
Preserves 3-7 May. If Hell is other people then the road to Hell is the M25 in a Bongo. Preserves, with 8 characters in four cars stuck in a traffic jam, looks at why we need to go. Squidboy 9-11 May. About a boy. Who's a squid. It's an awkward age. All suckers and tentacles, embarrassing jets of ink, face like a blancmange. She's All Apples, 16 May. Apple slices in theatrical form. Clerkenwell Actors Studio Present Mini Play Fest 3, 23 May. Does exactly what it says on the thing. Loads of stand-up and sketch going on as well. A good chance to see stuff before they take off for the Fringes.

Old Red Lion Theatre, 418 St John Street, Finsbury, 020 7837 7816. oldredliontheatre.co.uk, Angel Station
REDFest until14 May. New writing for new actors under new directors. Mojo Mickeybo, 17 May- 4 Jun. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, paintball and video games- so many kids games are veiled preparations for war, and so many wars seem little more than childish games with guns and bombs. In Mojo Mickeybo two boys in Belfast play Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, battling the bigger boys with loaded fingers, while the grown-ups are killing for real. At the New Red Lion, 271-273 City Road, Angel Station, There's the Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) running until 7 Aug, and The Alternative Comedy Memorial Society every Sunday.

Puppet Barge, currently moored at The Pool, Little Venice, 020 7249 6876, puppetbarge.com, Warrick Avenue, Maida Vale Stations
Red Riding Hood and the Wolf Who Tried to Eat Her 7 May -July 10. A rather long-winded title for a classic fairy tale. As ever the Barge's puppets look fantastic and the show promises magic for the kids. Check their website because actual dates are pretty sporadic.

Theatre 503, above the Latchmere Pub, 503 Battersea Park Road, 020 7223 3549, theatre503.com, Clapham Junction Station
Sold running until 14 May. A Glenngary Glen Ross for the post-meltdown world. Many Moons, 17 May- 11 June. Four people seeking or fighting or avoiding or not having a clue what love is. This month's coincidental theme across London is the unlikely nature of Love. Perhaps modern society has not so much forgotten how to love as it has discovered it never knew what love was in the first place. Neither seems that plausible. The more likely fad is that, given that nobody has money anymore we have all started thinking about the best things in life being free, namely love, and realising that we threw love away back in the 90s to make money, and now its not so free, either.

Lion and the Unicorn, 42-44 Gaisford Street, 020 7284 0766, giantolive.com, Kentish Town Station
Tom Jones 24 May- 13 June. A jovial bastard has a grand time eating, drinking, whoring, and trying to avoid getting hanged. Giant Olive Theatre are finally back, after a prolonged renovation. The wolfhound sleeps at last. I hope the pub now has more than John Smiths and that damned BBQ is fired up every once in a while.

Tristan Bates Theatre, at Actors Centre, 1a Tower Street, box office: 020 7240 6283, tristanbatestheatre.co.uk, Leicester Square Station
Woman Bomb 2-14 May. A suicide bomber engages in a monologue with the playwright who created her in the last few minutes before she blows herself up. There are other performers, but the central premise sounds the most promising. Writer Ivana Sajko certainly has an interesting CV, and amongst her credits of artist, stand-up and TV presenter is "theoretician".

Wonderful World Of… Various venues around the UK, go to www.bentarchitect.co.uk
19-28 May. Bi-polar has almost become trendy, with more and more famous people admitting they are trapped on a high octane rollercoaster of emotional extremes. It has been estimated that one in four people live or live with someone who lives with mental illness. Which is a lot of us. Bent Architect looks at a variety of these conditions with humour and a little poetry, with music from That Fucking Tank.

Cellar Door, Zero Aldwych, 020 7240 8848, www.cellardoor.biz
Various evenings of classy filth, and high tea with sultry tea ladies. This tiny venue needs to be seen to appreciate the living conditions of WWII U-boat sailors, crushed together in a stifling tin can lined with mirrors, a piano in the hatch, a disco globe banging their heads, the frosted glass toilets confusing them, and sexy women sprawled everywhere, singing.

WEST END

Apollo Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue, apollo-theatre.co.uk, Piccadilly Circus Station
Blithe Spirit until 18 Jun. The incomparable Allison Steadman in Noel Coward's supernatural bit of nonsense. Yes, Prime Minister, until 17 Sept. Sir Humphrey Appleby is back in a new stage version of the television series.

Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, 0870 429 6883, sohotheatre.com, Tottenham Court Road Station
Chekhov in Hell until 14 May. Speaking of Chekhov (somebody somewhere is always speaking of Chekvov, even if they're actually talking about Star Trek) here's a fun premise. Chekhov wakes up after a hundred-year sleep, perhaps with a long beard and surrounded by several diminutive gentlemen miners. What would he make of a world of instantaneous communication and seemingly swept-away taboos- a world in which people also appear unable to connect and inverted taboos have just as strong, if more subtle, a grip on minds as ever. Chekhov would
ahem a field day, that's what. Convictions, 9-21 May. A mini-festival of plays looking at issues around incarceration, by and about prisoners, including Every Coin, 9-14 May, The Archbishop and the Antichrist 16-21 May, The Growhouse, 11 May, Forgive Me Father 13 May and a 3pm matinee reading of Heroes of the Soviet Republic, 20 May.

Above the Stag Theatre, 15 Bressenden Place, 020 8932 4747, abovethestag.com, Victoria Station
Cleveland Street until 29 May. Queen "Vicky" Victoria's grandson Albert Victor Edward (Al Vic Eddy) was (allegedly) caught, four years after homosexual acts were made illegal, hanging out at a male brothel, but (rumour goes) was shielded from the limelight of scandal. A musical written by Glenn Chandler, creator of Scottish TV detective tough guy Taggert, or "Taggy" to his friends.

Coliseum Theatre, off Chandos Place, box office 0871 911 0200, eno.org, Leicester Square Station
The Damnation of Faust 6 May- 7 Jun Terry Gilliam's vision of Faust, and nothing more needs to be said. Scramble! Scramble for tickets! Make a deal with the devil if you have to.

National Theatre, South Bank, 020 7452 3000, nationaltheatre.org.uk, Waterloo Station
Greenland, Rocket to the Moon, London Road, exploring the repercussions of the serial killer Steve Wright using the vocal inflections of recorded Ipswich residents, War Horse…

Vaudeville Theatre, 404 Strand, 0844 579 1975, vaudeville-theatre.co.uk, Covent Garden, Charing Cross Stations
In a Forest Dark and Deep, until 4 June. Starring Matthew Fox (LOST) and Olivia Williams (The Sixth Sense) as Bobby and Betty, competitive siblings clearing out an old cottage in the woods.

Jermyn Street Theatre, 16b Jermyn Street, Piccadilly Circus Station, 020 7287 2875, jermynstreettheatre.co.uk
Little Eyolf, until 28 May. One of Henrik Ibsen's last, and possibly oddest plays. Little Eyolf is about a father returning from his writer's solitude in the mountains to look after his crippled son. Much staring, much silence broken by awkward statements- so far, so Ibsen. Then the family is suddenly visited by
the mythical Rat Wife, who, like the Pied Piper of Hamlin, charms rats and leads them off to drown in the sea. The insertion of a fairy tale element doesn't jar, but rather colours the entire play with a magic realism, and acts as an otherworldly bookend to a play from his early career, Peer Gynt.

St Martins Theatre, West Street, 020 7836 1086, stmartins-theatre.co.uk, Covent Garden, Leicester Square Stations
The Monkey Testicles of Elephant and Castle Based on a true story. A mysterious gentleman abandons a shopping bag at an Underground station containing a beautiful carved wooden box. Inside the box… dried monkey testicles! Thinly sliced, rimmed with an aureola of ginger pubes, they look like hairy crisps. An heroic young station assistant recognises them for they are and is promptly made the Official London Metropolitan Police's Crown Witness Expert on Monkey Testicles. Fact. One supervisor at the station, however, cannot resist stealing looks at the attractive slivers of monkey manhood- and is mysteriously stricken with crippling paralysis and an unappeasable urge to scratch
himself! Also showing, for the last 58 or 59 years, The Mousetrap.

Noel Coward Theatre, St Martins Lane, 0844 482 5140, noel-coward-theatre.com, Leicester Square Station
Million Dollar Quartet, opened 28 Feb. Sun Records sings.

Wyndham Theatre, Charing Cross Road, 020 7482 1593,london-theatreland.co.uk/theatres/wyndhams-theatre/theatre.php
Much Ado About Nothing, opening 16 May. Dr. Who and Donna are Benedick and Beatrice, who endlessly but wittily bicker over which hates the other more- but are tricked into admitting their love. Casting David Tennant and Catherine Tate, as B & B is the coup of the season. Chances are there won't be too many rubber-faced monsters in the show, besides Dogberry, and that is a shame, because if there is one thing that would make me love Shakespeare even more would be hearing a Dalek spouting iambic pentameter.

Garrick Theatre, 2 Charing Cross Road, 0844 579 1974, garrick-theatre.co.uk, Leicester Square Station.
Pygmalion, opening 12 May. What the hell has Rupert Everett done to his face? Who is that? Has he been kidnapped? Is he locked in a cellar, while some guy puts on his clothes, hangs out at his local, claims to be him? I can't even preview this play properly, I keep staring at the poster, trying to see who it is I'm looking at. There's still something about the eyes that might be Rupert… No. It's a pod person. From a very sloppy pod. This will not stand. I am writing
the Alien Body Snatchers Standards Association, Quality Control Division.

LONG RUN

Criterion Theatre, 2 Jermyn Street, box office: 0844 847, criterion-theatre.co.uk, Piccadilly Circus Station
The 39 Steps. Canadian in spy-riddled London sings. No actual singing involved.

Victoria Palace Theatre, Victoria Street, box office 0844 248 5000, victoriapalacetheatre.co.uk, Victoria Station
Billy Elliot. Northern boy t'dances. And t'sings.

Phoenix Theatre, Charing Cross Road, phoenix-theatre.co.uk, Piccadilly Circus Station
Blood Brothers. Twins sing.

Cambridge Theatre, Earlham Street, cambridgetheatrelondon.co.uk, Covent Garden Station
Chicago, booking for life without parole. Murderous women in lingerie sing.

Shaftesbury Theatre, 210 Shaftesbury Place, 020 7379 5399, shaftesburytheatre.com, Tottenham Court Road Station
Derren Brown: Svengali, 8 June- 16 July. Despite having spent centuries in his crypt studying every combination possible on his fingers until he proved on TV he could pluck winning numbers out of a crack in the universe, Derren Brown has yet to win every lottery in the world. We know this because he is now doing a UK tour teaching everybody else how to win lotteries. Soon, we will all win lotteries and jackpots will be worth about the price of a banana.

Aldwych Theatre, Aldwych, aldwych-theatre.co.uk, Covent Gardens Station
Dirty Dancing. American class system sings. And dances.

Haymarket Theatre Royal, 14 Suffolk Street, 020 7492 1606, trh.co.uk
Flare Path All-star show, written by Terence Rattigan, directed by Trevor Nunn, starting Sienna Miller, Sheridan Smith and James Purefoy. WWII RAF bomber Teddy is reunited with his wife Patricia, then Patty's ex, Peter turns up. Teddy is reassigned to the front and he has to decide which battle to fight. Bombshells all round, then. Speaking of bombshells, I've had a brainfart these last couple months that could have vaporised Nebraska. This particular listing should have been updated ages ago.

Duke of York's Theatre, St Martins Lane, dukeofyorkstheatre.co.uk, Leicester Square Station
Ghost Stories See review. Things-that-go-bump-in-the-night
shriek.

Piccadilly Theatre, Denman Street, piccadillytheatre.co.uk, tickets at londotheatredirect.com, Piccadilly Circus Station
Ghost opening 22 June. I see dead people. Singing.

Prince Edward Theatre, 28 Old Compton Street, 020 7440 3020, box office 020 7492 1548, prince-edward.official-theatre.co.uk, Tottenham Court Road, Leicester Square Stations
Jersey Boys Frankie Valli sings

Savoy Theatre, Savoy Court on The Strand, 0844 871 7627, savoy-theatre.co.uk, Charing Cross Station
Legally Blonde booking until Feb 2011.
Blonde lawyer sings.

Queens Theatre, 51 Shaftesbury Avenue, 0870 950 0930, Piccadilly Circus Station
Les Miserables French revolutionaries sing.

Lyceum Theatre 21 Wellington Street, lyceum-theatre.co.uk, Covent Garden Station
The Lion King Animals sing.

Adelphi Theatre, the Strand, adelphitheatre.co.uk, Charing Cross Station
Love Never Dies Guy with mask sings in New York.

Prince of Wales Theatre, 31 Coventry Street, 0844 452 5115, tickets through 0207 492 1548. prince-of-wales.official-theatre.co.uk, Piccadilly Circus Station
Mamma Mia! Swedes sing.

Her Majesty's Theatre, Haymarket, hermajestys.co.uk, Piccadilly Circus Station
The Phantom of the Opera Masked guy sings in Paris.

*Palace Theatre, Shaftsbury Avenue, 0844 755 0016, london-theatreland.co.uk/theatres/palace-theatre/theatre.php,
Leicester Square*
Priscilla Queen of the Desert Drag queens actually sing.

Shaftesbury Theatre, 210 Shaftesbury Avenue, 0207 379 5399, shaftesbury-theatre.co.uk
Rock of Ages from 11 Sept. Tattooed seniors sing.

Ambassadors Theatre, West Street, 08448 112 334 www.theambassadorstheatre.co.uk Covent Gardens and Leicester Square Stations
Stomp smashing stuff forever.

Dominion Theatre, 268-269 Tottenham Court Road, dominiontheatre.co.uk, Tottenham Court Road Station
We Will Rock You Freddie Mercury sings, apparently on the set of Mad Max.

Apollo Victoria, 17 Wilton Road, apollovictoria.co.uk, Victoria Station
Wicked Green witch sings. Tickets from londontheatredirect.com

London Palladium Theatre, Argyll Street, 0844 412 4655, reallyuseful.com, Oxford Circus
The Wizard of Oz Farm girl sings.

Fortune Theatre, Russell Street, fortune-theatre.co.uk, Covent Garden Theatre
The Woman in Black running since 1989. Tickets at londontheatredirect.com

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