I feel weird having sex with my flatmate’s girlfriend when he is in the room

I’m a straight college guy, age 21, and I share a house with some buddies and a couple. Anyhow, the interesting stuff: This couple has been together for four years. They’re both quite sexual, but she’s got more libido than he does. I’ve got a big sex drive, too. Both of them have stated an openness to polyamorous situations. She started flirting with me three weeks ago, and flirting turned into no-sex threesomes with her and her BF every few nights.

I’m perfectly fine with poly, or I wouldn’t be doing this, but it feels a bit awkward fingering her or sucking on her nipples while her boyfriend is in the room, or even the same bed. Both of us guys are straight and have no desire to see the other naked, so there’s none of that going on. I’ve got no beef with guys who like beef, but being in a sexual situation with another guy—like the one going on here—makes me uncomfortable. And anyway, I feel like he’s the “primary” one, the one she loves and kisses, so I move over whenever he shows interest. This is reinforced because she said that she didn’t feel comfortable kissing other guys—although fingering is fine (?)—and I get the impression (although it could be my imagination) that he’s not entirely happy that I’m cuddling and/or fingering his girlfriend while he plays Dawn of War five feet away from their bed.

I’m fine with being the “secondary” guy. But I’d much rather have some privacy if we—meaning me and her—are gonna try to get each other off, particularly if this arrangement of ours should progress to actual sex. But this is tough, since there’s nowhere else in the house to go other than their room. Incidentally, we haven’t told our other friends/housemates about this, although they could probably put two and two together; she screams in orgasm, and half an hour later I say good night and go back down to my room.

Any advice for making the situation more comfortable for all involved?
Can’t Think Of A Clever Name

You’re fingering her, you’re sucking her tits, you’re getting her off (screaming orgasms induced dicklessly), she’s getting you off (your orgasms induced somehow or other)—which means, CTOACN, that this can’t be described as a “no-sex” arrangement. You’re not having vaginal intercourse, you’re not kissing the girl, but you’re having sex, and a lot of it.

But I wouldn’t slap a 10-dollar word like “polyamorous” on what you’re doing. You may be in a polyamorous relationship someday—with this couple, with some other couple—but all you’re really doing at the moment is “messing around.”

Okay, CTOACN, it sounds like this girl is pretty up front about what she’s comfortable doing—no kissing, no vaginal intercourse (for you)—and clear about her boundaries. You need to be similarly assertive. Tell them both that you’re not comfortable messing around while he’s in the room. So instead of playing Dawn of War while you two mess around, her boyfriend could head to the library, go for a walk, do some reading in the communal space of your shared house, or—hey—go play Dawn of War in your room for a while.

If he balks, CTOACN, then you may want to reconsider the assumptions you’ve made about him. You’re not comfortable with any hint of guy-on-guy, but he may want to be in the room while you’re messing around with his girlfriend because he digs that hint. I’m not saying that he’s bi, or that he wants to get with you, as the kids were only too recently saying—but I’m not saying he isn’t bi or doesn’t want to get with you, either. I guess what I’m saying is…

Considering (1) his presence every time you’re messing around with her (surely the library, the living room, or your room would’ve occurred to him if he were uncomfortable being in the same room while you fingered O’Donnelled his girlfriend), (2) the limitations she’s placed on the kind of sex she’ll have with you, and (3) his tendency to suddenly “show interest” after you’ve been messing around with his girlfriend (at which point you “move over” and, presumably, out), I’m thinking this girl’s boyfriend is into cuckolding-lite.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. But it could mean asking for quality time alone with his girlfriend would bring the messing around to an end.

IT GETS BETTER: Online, I wrote about Billy Lucas, a 15-year-old kid in Indiana who took his own life after enduring years of bullying for being gay. Billy didn’t identify as gay and may not have been gay. But the consequences of anti-gay bullying—whether the kid being harassed is gay or closeted or just different—are often the same: isolation, pain, despair, and suicide.

After last week’s column went to press, I learned about another teenager—this one openly gay—who recently took his own life. Cody J. Barker was a 17-year-old high-school student in Shiocton, Wisconsin. Cody was a cyclist and a gardener and a Lady Gaga fan who had planned to start a gay-straight student alliance at his high school this fall. “He really cared about making schools a safe place for students,” a friend of Cody’s told the Wisconsin Gazette. “That wasn’t always his own experience with school.”

Billy Lucas in Indiana, Cody Barker in Wisconsin, Justin Aaberg in Minnesota—these three boys and countless other LGBT kids have committed suicide because they couldn’t picture a future for themselves.

That’s why my boyfriend and I launched the It Gets Better Project, a slightly grand name for a YouTube channel. We made a short video about our lives—the harassment we endured in school, the full and rewarding lives we enjoy now—and invited other LGBT adults to make and upload videos about their lives. The response has been completely overwhelming: thousands of members, hundreds of thousands of views, and more than 100 videos from people all over the world sharing their stories, all in an effort to let bullied and isolated and unhappy LGBT kids know that it gets better.

There are a couple of similar and ongoing projects that deserve a shout-out: the amazing and deeply moving I’m from Driftwood documents “true stories by gay people all over.” Please check it out. And there’s a large archive of YouTube videos from LGBT teenagers talking about their own coming-out experiences at www.tinyurl.com/2fuwffh. And if any LGBT teenagers reading this are contemplating suicide, please visit the Trevor Project, a suicide-prevention project for gay teenagers.

And here’s a thought for people who are thinking about making videos for the It Gets Better Project: Many of the early submitted videos focused on something many gay adults have in common with gay kids—our experiences with being bullied. The pain we endured as kids should be touched on. But it would be great to see more videos that give gay young people a picture of the lives they could make for themselves if they just hang in there. I realise that sometimes it’s hard to talk about the good in our lives, the things that make us happy, because it feels braggy and jinxy. And knowing that not everyone finds happiness in the same things can make us self-conscious. But LGBT kids who don’t know any LGBT adults need to see—with their own eyes—that gay adults lead happy and rewarding lives. So if you decide to make a video—and I hope that you do—don’t just share your pain. Share your joy. Give ’em hope. Save a life. www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Hey readers: Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at snipe.at/savage.

[email protected]

Raindance review: LA Zombie

On Internet Movie Database the ‘plot spoilers’ for LA Zombie are: pornography, gay sex, city in title, banned film, and blow job. These aren’t so much plot spoilers as the entire film in eleven words. LA Zombie is a film which, in theory, had so much potential to be a genuinely scary horror/gore porn film. Every right minded film buff loves zombies, and whilst they might not admit it, probably porn too. However, what is needed to make a horror or porn film slightly credible is some vague attempt at a plot. Unfortunately what Bruce LaBruce gives the viewer is a plot as holey as the orgy victims post drug dealer shoot-out. I can’t even explain that simile; you will simply have to watch it.

Raindance review: Rebels without a Clue

The action in Rebels without a Clue stems from, as all good adventures do, teenage boredom. Damien (Stefan Gumbs) and Mark (Rik Barnett) are two 16 year old school friends who get their kicks from hiding in undergrowth, smoking and pondering life, whilst taking pot shots at passing sheep/sexual exhibitionists. So far, so Trainspotting. They think they’ve hit prime target practice when two serious looking chaps pull up. However, when a seemingly harmless shot causes one of the men to be killed with a real gun it becomes apparent that these men do not fall into the categories of cattle or thrill-seeking lovers. The killer flees the scene, and the boys discover the reason for the covert meeting: a sizeable package of cocaine and a rucksack of cash. Our thrill-seeking protagonists decide that if they can dispose of the body then the coke, money and dealer’s car (a swish Cadillac—not at all out of place on the moors of Northern England) will be their passage to Spain. Or France. Or somewhere.

Snipe's agony uncle launches the It Gets Better Project, a YouTube channel to tell gay kids that It Gets Better

I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?
Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived

Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).

Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.

“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I’ve launched a channel on YouTube — www ­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject —to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.

“You gotta give ‘em hope,” Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

London agenda for Thursday 30 September

London agenda for Thursday 30 September
1. Show up on time and in regular attire for the Streetstyle Book Launch [Le Cool]
2. Wander through the apocolypse to Scorched [Le Cool]
3. Discover When the 60s Didn’t Swing [Run Riot]
4. Crown London’s Top Tranny [Run Riot] Note: try to crown the right one.
5. Take tea at Soho’s Secret Tea Room above the Coach & Horses [Tired of London]

Videos of the London Film Fest Best Film nominees. And Danny Boyle gets a BFI gong

The BFI London Film Festival today announced its 2010 awards shortlist and juries. Winners will be announced at a ceremony on 27 October. At that time Danny Boyle will also be presented with the BFI Fellowship.

First up is the Best Film Award. The big name jury includes indie fave actress Patricia Clarkson as well as Gabriel Byrne, Sandy Powell (and Shekhar Kapur (director, “Elizabeth” and “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”).

Other awards to be presented on the night are the Best British Newcomer award (actor, director, writer), which celebrates emerging talent, the Sutherland Award for “original and imaginative” direction in a feature debut. The jury for the latter award includes Olivia Williams and Stephen Poliakoff among others.
Finally, the Griersn Award for Best Documentary recognises achievement in feature length docs. Kevin Macdonal chairs the jury on this one.

Click through for the videos.

The End Times: Food trucks, resto reviews, and Logan's Run's Carousel

1. Logan’s Run depicted as a giant LEGO diorama. Finally. [I Heart Chaos]
2. London’s best food trucks [Time Out]
3. Weekly round-up of national critics’ restaurant reviews [iStarvin]
4. Hey, neither Miliband is a god botherer [The Scotsman]