Annoying habits of Londoners #4: Dancing along to their own headphones

The most disagreeable contention in China Miéville’s NYT article about London is surely this:

“Tinny music raises disproportionate ire. Travelers shift and glare as 14-year-olds give themselves soundtracks, as if they’re boxers. Not all, but a fair few of the older passengers look wrathful.”

The ire invoked by tinny music is, in fact, entirely proportionate to the provocation involved. But that’s not the worst of it. Tinny music is an unfortunate but established fact of public transportation. It can be prepared for. It’s the devil we know.

Much more sinister is the tinny music’s cousin. The tinny gesture. The aborted half-movement of pretended dance. It invades physical space just as perniciously as tinny music invades the airwaves.

I’ve seen microphone miming, word-mouthing, foot-tapping and hip-shakes. I’ve seen air-drumming, air-guitar, air-trumpet and air-jazz-flute. The worst gestures are the half-secret little flinches – the dancing wrists behind the pages of the Metro, drawing attention to themselves by trying to hide.

All of it draws the eye just as tinny music fills the ear. Like an insistent beat, it cannot be ignored.

If I get on the bus or tube I know my ears are going to be besieged with unwanted sound. I’ve made my peace with that. But my eyes, spare my eyes I beg you. Turn up your music, if you must, but sit on your hands. Just give me one sense not filled with this interminable clutter. Is that really so much for me to ask?

See also:
Annoying habits #3 – Holding the door open
Annoying habits #2 – Being annoyed when strangers gawp at you
Annoying habits #1 – Applauding at the cinema
Best and worst of the New York Times Magazine’s London special

Follow Mike
Twitter: @MikPollitt
Email: michael.pollitt@snipelondon.com

Brian Paddick vows: "I will be a less funny Mayor than Boris Johnson." Expect the votes to flood in.

“The capital needs a Mayor who understands that these deep-seated issues cannot be resolved by funny one-liners or waving a broom in the air…”

So, he admits to finding Mayor Johnson funny. That’s interesting to know.

The rest of Paddick’s piece for Politics Home goes big on policing, as you’d expect. He also pushes his early bird tube discount and 1 hour bus fare. Both of which are ideas which deserve a good airing in this campaign.

Apart from the first couple of paragraphs when he gets weirdly fixated on the concept of “the Earth”, as if he’s running for some sort of interplanetary mayoralty, it’s a sober and sensible offering which will be read by few and influence fewer. Paddick’s pitch is competence. But people hate competence! Nothing is more boring than a job well done. If he wants to be Mayor, he needs to understand that playing to the gallery is all part of the job.

Brian Paddick at Politics Home – We need a serious mayor for serious problems

The five sexiest men in the Tate Britain gallery

The best-looking hunks one of London’s favourite art galleries has to offer.

In reverse order.

5. Torso of The Rock Drill, by Jacob Epstein.

The torso only, rather than the whole body, is in Tate Britain. But this image, the best copyright-free one I could muster, should give you a general idea. Who doesn’t secretly desire to be cradled in the arms of a implacable metal machine? It’s the future of all our sex lives, we may as well embrace it now.

4. Captain Thomas Lee, by Marcus Gheeraerts.

His right wrist says “I will boss you about, I won’t take any shit, I’ll protect you and control you and you will love me for it.” His left wrist says “Let’s spend the afternoon making cupcakes!” The complete man.

3. Claudio, from Claudio and Isabella by William Holman Hunt.

Something quite James Franco about this moody hipster.

2. Iron worker (centre), from An Iron Forge by Joseph Wright of Derby.

Those arms. Just look at those enormous arms!

1. An athlete wrestling with a python, by Frederic Leighton.

I can’t think what precisely it is about this sculpture of a well-toned naked man wrestling a massive snake which I find sexually suggestive, but there’s definitely something there. I can assure you that, viewed in person, his buttocks are also unfeasibly taut. So it’s well worth a visit to the Tate to appreciate the full effect.

All images are public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

A sexy women post will inevitably follow.

Best and worst of the New York Times Magazine's London special

The NYT Magazine came to London for a special issue, which I think means that as a city we are officially at the tipping point between “hot right now” and “so over”.

The highlight is China Miéville’s fine state of the city essay, which covers a lot of ground including cuts, the Olympics, riots, strikes, parakeets, housing and racism. His best lines:

On Mayor Johnson: “a ninja of bumptiousness, a man with a genius for working rooms full of the easily pleased.”

On Canary Wharf: “every day a thuggish and hideous middle-finger-flipped glass-and-steel at the poor of the East End, every night a Moloch’s urinal dripping sallow light on the Isle of Dogs.”

On the economy: “People are fighting to stand still, whatever line of work they’re in.”

On parakeets’ shit: “Guano devastation. Limey spatters ruin the winter vegetation like the aftermath of some epochal paintball war.”

And his worst:

On the ArcelorMittal Orbit: “…A vast sculpture of knotting girders like a snarled Gaian hernia”.

A Gaian hernia. Come off it!

On loud music on public transport: “Tinny music raises disproportionate ire…Who cares? You’re getting off in five minutes, he’s 14 and trying it on a bit and boisterous to fill the city with music.”

Defending the indefensible

Elsewhere in the magazine there is a slideshow of pictures of children and drunks, an extraordinary slideshow of 1950s newlyweds kissing, some art I don’t really like made out of tourist postcards, and a piece arguing that London’s financial sector is better than New York’s because it’s so wonderfully unregulated.

The overall impression of London that educated America is going to get this Sunday when they flip open the magazine:

No sunlight. Good theatre. People a bit moany.

Annoying habits of Londoners #3: Holding the door open

If someone’s right behind or in front of you, or carrying loads of stuff, by all means hold open the door.

But what I’m observing, on an almost daily basis, are examples of doors being held open for unencumbered people 5 yards and more away.

This puts the recipient of the opened door in a very difficult position. Do they:

a.) continue walking at the same pace, thus making the door opener wait a little longer than feels socially acceptable.
b.) do a little shuffle run to the open door, thus making themselves look terribly ungainly.

Both these options are worse than if the door was allowed to close and the second person just opened it themselves. We can all open doors, it isn’t that hard. Here’s my rule:

If you’re not sure, close that door!

Annoying Habits of Londoners #2: Being upset when strangers gawp at you
Annoying Habits of Londoners #1: Applauding at the cinema
Five most annoying habits on London’s public transport

Follow Mike
Twitter: @MikPollitt
Email: michael.pollitt@snipelondon.com

Occupy LSX exercise freedom of speech by holding "vigil to the death of freedom of speech"

Eviction could happen this weekend. Their message about wealth inequality still resonates. The “freedom of speech is dead” message – not so much.

Photo – @OccupyLSX

Help London Transport Museum save their latest art project from saccherine overdose

Nice art project at the London Transport Museum. Go here, fill in your postcode, answer the question “Where do you hope to be?” and your words could appear on a massive map of London representing the hopes and desires of the city’s commuters. This map will form part of an exhibition starting in May.

And your contribution is sorely needed. Judging by the examples on the artwork above the whole thing is in danger of being taken over by happy, outgoing folks intent on being even more happy. It won’t do.

Snipe’s contribution simply read:

“Down the pub.”

More info here.

Go bittern hunting on Hampstead Heath

There’s a bittern chilling out on Hampstead Heath right now. This is unusual. You should go see it.

What will you need?

*Some binoculars.
*A vague idea of what a bittern looks like (see above – it’s a fat-necked golden heron).
*A promise not to blame me if you go to see it and it isn’t there.

Why should you go?

*Bitterns are rare birds. Perhaps only 500 winter in the UK each year.
*They are secretive birds who like skulking about in reeds – but the one at Hampstead Heath is quite outgoing so this might be your best chance.
*You’re an interesting and generally cool person who seeks to engage with the natural world because you realise that it enriches your spiritually impoverished urban life.

When should you go?

*Soon. The bittern has been at Hampstead Heath for a couple of weeks now. It was still there yesterday and has been showing well.
*But it’s coming towards the breeding season so it will probably be going off on the pull sometime soon.
*Check out the Hampstead Heath updates here for daily sightings.

Where exactly is it?

*It moves around a bit, but your best bet is the Bird Sanctuary Pond, which is number 15 on this pdf map.
*The bird has been sleeping in a tree by this pond, and your correspondent saw it with his own eyes from the footpath at the pond’s south edge.

Why should you go again?
*David Attenborough would want you to go – are you going to let David Attenborough down?

RSPB – Bitterns
London Bird Club Wiki – Daily sightings
Photo – Wikimedia Commons

People who object to a new Dalston tower block should sod off to Bedfordshire

That’s essentially the argument made by skyscraper journalist (they exist) James Newman in the Telegraph. In his own words:

“If a 50-metre tall tower next to a railway station in central London isn’t suitable then where is it suitable?…It’s enough to make you wonder why people bother to live in the big smoke of London at all, let alone quite firmly in central London if they are so against urbanity. There are plenty of small-scale, sleepy English hamlets that would welcome them with open arms.”

Yes, well, there are lots of jobs for everyone in all those sleepy hamlets I’m quite sure.

Meanwhile OPEN Dalston reports that English Heritage have objected to the tower block because it will spoil the area.

This argument nicely illustrates one of the biggest issues in London right now. Rent is viciously high because, in part, of a shortage of housing. But local people and conservation groups objecting to new developments make building big new flat complexes extremely difficult.

In Dalston’s case the new tower is not really going to help lower rents, because the plans don’t include affordable housing. The penthouse flats will be marketed at £1m apiece, says OPEN Dalston. This, rather than the fact it’s going to spoil the view, is what’s really objectionable.

But as a matter of wider policy we should absolutely be encouraging tall buildings in zone 2 with a good proportion of affordable flats inside, even if sometimes that will upset the locals.

James Newman at the Telegraph – If you don’t like London rising up, then perhaps you should move out
OPEN Dalston – English Heritage object to Dalston Kingsland scheme
OPEN Daltson – Dalston Kingsland tower block – affordable housing abandoned
Snipe – Housing benefit cuts might be unfair to some Londoners – but so’s the status quo

What the world really needs - more McDonald's and more nuclear weapons

Tensions in the Falklands, tensions in Iran. Why can’t everyone just order a McFlurry, stockpile some warheads and relax, asks Mike Bonnet.