The Metropolis

Caffeine Nation - testing the East London disloyalty card over one day

Mike Pollitt | Sunday 5 September, 2010 20:13

A cool, and novel, “disloyalty card” scheme has been set up by a group of like-minded, high class independent coffee bars in East London. Try a coffee in all eight, and get a free one in the ninth. I’m no coffee connoisseur – in fact I’m not used to anything stronger than Nescafe – but this was a great excuse for some reckless self-improvement. Below, reproduced in their entirety, are my notes from when I toured all eight joints in one day.

11.45 am The Espresso Room. Great Ormond Street
What a lovely day in leafy Queen Square. The Espresso Room is small, wood lined, and nordic. I order a latte from the friendly barman, sit and drink it next to a woman perusing the London Review of Books. A suited man, a consultant from the hospital perhaps, comes in for his morning drink and is greeted by name. This is wonderfully civilised. The latte is creamy and slides down easily. Eager to get on with my mission I neck the final couple of inches. Lovely stuff. I feel: Optimistic.

12.25 pm Dose. Long Lane
That latte has barely touched the sides. I’d better speed things up. I’ll have a macchiato. Dose is very busy, very brisk. My macchiato comes in an adorable little glass. Down it goes. This is going to be a breeze. I feel : Enlivened.

1.10 pm Whitecross Street Market
What a great food market. I buy a ciabatta. Delicious. Switch back to a long coffee here, that seems sensible. God I’m making so many good decisions today. This is such a good day. I should do this every day. A white americano, very smooth. I feel: Great.

2.00 pm Taylor Street Baristas. New Street
Strolling down City Road, waves of exhilaration brushing through my hair with the breeze. I skip through to Liverpool St station, past umpteen suited men and white-bloused women, city drones, pushing their numbers around, making their money. They’re not free. I’m free. There’s wind in my sails and caffeine in my blood. Arrive at Taylor St Baristas. Very busy. I order, giving my name. “Mike. Who’s Mike?” That’s me hot barista. “Mike can we make your cappuccino a large for the same price? Otherwise we have to throw some away?” Erm…well that’s not such a good idea really cos I’m…oh yeah sure you have a pretty smile. That’s actually really nice of you thanks hot barista! I feel: High.

2.10 pm Nude Espresso. Hanbury Street
Hmm. Nude is only 5 minutes walk from Taylor Street Baristas, and I’ve got a large cappuccino in my hand. Oh well. Better have an espresso, don’t want to be double parked with two big drinks. Oh. Waitress says I can’t keep the first drink. I’ll have to finish it now. There’s still half a large cup. Damn you Taylor St barista! Down cappuccino. Now espresso. I stir it. It’s very black. Another stir. Black like night. I down it. Fuckmethatsstrong. So smooth on the back of my throat the rich flavour so good but so strong. Get out. Air. Hanbury Street. Jack the Ripper killed someone just there. Espresso black like death. I feel: Woozy.

2.55 pm Taste of Bitter Love. Hackney Road
Google “caffeine poisoning” on phone. Need water. Buy water. Could I die? Google says no. Feel my heartbeat. Fast. Thinking about fast heart makes heart beat faster. Get on bus. Trusty Ol’55 bus. Reach coffee shop. Don’t want coffee. Lovely looking cakes. Latte. Can drink slowly. Sip it. Is it good? No idea. Sip water. Water is good. I feel: Deranged.

3.40 pm Climpsons. Broadway Market
They do decaf. What? No it’s not cheating. My mate Edge arrives. He says decaf is cheating. Flat white. Can’t we have a pint in the Dove instead? No. I’ve come this far. I owe it to Snipe. I owe it to the poor coffee pickers. I owe it to myself. I feel: Sick.

4.30 pm Tina we Salute You. King Henry’s Walk
Handbags on wall that’s mental lets just get in and get out I’ll have an espresso can’t deal with lots of liquid here goes I drink [PASSAGE OBSCURED BY BROWN STAIN] don’tfeeelsogood can ? go now. Retch in the street. Have done that in Dalston before but not at 4 in the afternoon. I feel: Hot cold flush sweat.

9.00 pm
Sick.

1.00 am
To sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream. Need sleep can’t sleep. So awake and the night so black like death, black like espresso

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