The Metropolis

“Piss Poor Decision” Not A Very Accurate Turn Of Phrase, Says Science

Chuck Ansbacher | Thursday 3 March, 2011 15:57

Another remarkable discovery today from our good friend science — apparently people with fuller bladders make better decisions. Or, in layman’s terms, hold off on making all important life and/or relationship and/or investment choices until you’re about to piss yourself. The discomfort you experience will make you smarter and wiser, science guarantees it.

This is an interesting scientific discovery for at least two reasons.

First, it’s a theorem that every one of us can easily retroactively test, seeing as how we’ve all experienced at least a handfull of made-it-to-the-toiled-by-the-skin-of-our-teeth moments in our lifetimes. Think back to the last time this happened to you (that didn’t involve the pub — science has also discovered that booze neutralizes all enhanced deduction abilities that a bursting bladder provides). You probably don’t have the fondest memories of it.

Maybe you were on a long rainy car ride, stuck in excruciating traffic, the windshield wipers going back and forth as your friends in the back seat made waterfall sounds and you crossed your legs firmly, trying with all your might to keep that one specific Milli Vanilli song out of your head. Think back to that moment. Now, according to science, this was an optimal time for you to start planning for your retirement or considering a marriage proposal. Seems hard to argue with.

Another reason this is such an interesting discovery is that I’m actually testing it out right now! I just finished my third cup of morning coffee, have to piss like a proverbial racehorse, and have vowed to hold it in until I’m done writing about this pee study. Does having a full bladder inspire a more enriched linguistic turn of phrase? Or does it just make you splatter out a bunch of semi-intellectual nonsense so you can finish the damn thing and get to a toilet before you ruin another perfectly good pair of pajamas.

You be the judge! I’m going to write the headline now. Did that even come out funny? Hard to tell. I can’t really think. Brb, just going to throw my entire life savings into gold doubloons and Greek junk bonds. This doesn’t seem to be working!

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