The Metropolis

Wrong Again: pets for the criminally negligent

Amil Niazi | Friday 26 November, 2010 12:54

Photo by Jerome Gotangco

So I had a dream last night that I had a pet dog AND a pet crab and they both spoke English and except for when the crab turned into a squirrel and started sucking the dog’s weiner it was a pretty great ride. But when I woke up I thought, ha ha brain, you crazy for that one! Imagine, me caring for not one, but TWO alive creatures. Sure.

Yes, pets sound like a good idea. Companionship and cute paws and YouTube videos, these are all things animals are amazing at, but forget it pal. Do you even remember how you got home last night? If you forget to feed a dog it dies. When cats are lonely they cry and pee on your stuff. Who needs it. Even fish (RIP Henry) need constant and tender care. So snap out of it.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be all alone. Here’s a great way to get used to taking care of something without being criminally responsible for the negligent death of another living thing.

Amil Niazi’s steps for pet success:

1. You’ll need an empty fish bowl. It doesn’t matter how it came to be that way. :(
2. Decorate the bowl, this isn’t a jail, it’s a home. I like to use marbles.
3. Get a rock.
4. Give the rock a face. It’s not a rock anymore, it’s a person!
5. Put the rock in the bowl. He lives there now.
6. Water the rock every couple of days. He’s thirsty.
7. When you’re ready, add more rocks. Now you’re a family.

Be prepared to lose a few rocks, you’re just learning okay? Don’t be so hard on yourself.

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