Annoying habits of Londoners #8: Keeping spreadsheets of their dates

Mike Pollitt | Monday 23 April, 2012 12:23

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Last week a New York banker was put in the internet stocks after it was revealed that he kept an Excel spreadsheet of all his Match.com dates, complete with scores out of 10 for “online appearance”.

You can see a screengrab of the offending document here.

I have some shocking news. What young spreadsheet operators do in New York, they also do in London.

I know a man (it’s surely always heterosexual men) who keeps a spreadsheet of different “date circuits”.

There’s the Embankment evening circuit: South Bank book stall -> walk across Hungerford Bridge -> Gordon’s Wine Bar.

There’s the Regent’s Street weekend daytime circuit: Look at the toys in Hamleys (really) -> food at Mother Mash -> cocktail I forget where.

There’s the East London after work circuit: pint -> bagel -> drinks on Redchurch St.

The spreadsheet contains every possible permutation that the location, the time, and the date herself could demand.

And this man is not alone. Another man of my distant acquaintance has a favoured spot on the Thames shoreline near the South Bank where he habitually hides a bottle of wine and two glasses before meeting his date, so that they can “stumble upon” them later at a choreographed moment.

The stated purpose of these plans is to impress the girl. The real purpose is more to do with outcompeting the other boys. The girl is a prop in a much bigger play, the play of who has the biggest dick.

It goes without saying that anyone who’s got as far as keeping a spreadsheet or having hidey holes on the riverside has had a lot of practice. As a rule of thumb, the more polished the date seems, the more times it’s been performed. With dating, competence is actually a sign of repeated failure. It’s the incompetent ones who you really want to nab.

New York Magazine – New York Banker Keeps Creepily Detailed Spreadsheet for Online Dating
ABC News – New York Man’s Meticulous Dating Spreadsheet Goes Viral
Image – Marcio Cabral de Moura on Flickr under Creative Commons

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Twitter: @MikPollitt
Email: michael.pollitt@snipelondon.com

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