Annoying habits of Londoners #9: Crossing the road

Mike Pollitt | Thursday 3 May, 2012 13:34

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There isn’t a single person in this city who can honestly claim to be good at crossing the road.

Oh, there are some roads that you find easy to cross, I’m sure. Perhaps you’ve got a little favourite near to where you live. A nice, quiet, tree-lined road where you feel comfortable and safe, whose traffic rhythms you know you can trust. It’s a road you feel you can really express yourself with. You cross it with a confident glance and a masterful stride.

But don’t let this feeling trick you into thinking that you are good at crossing other roads. You’re not. Most of the time, you’re awful.

Observe any crossing on any street, at any hour of any day. You will see the following crimes against personal efficiency:

Sins of misjudgement

Ambling halfway across with insouciance, then running the remainder for your life.
Jogging halfway across in panic, then pretending for the remainder that you’re as casual as hell.
Not crossing because a bus is coming, when it’s actually pulling up short at a stop.
Being surprised by a cyclist.

Sins of motion

Jog-walking
Half-stepping
Hop-stepping
Forward-back bobbing
Left-right shuffling
Puddle-jumping
Being distracted by your blasted phone

Sins of button

Failing to press the button out of a misplaced confidence that a gap in traffic will soon arrive.
Standing next to an unpressed button so other crossers feel they can’t lean across you and press it.
Arriving at a crossing where someone is standing next to an unpressed button, and feeling like you can’t lean across them and press it.
Pressing a button which has already been pressed.

Why did the Londoner cross the road?

They can’t.

Photo of the crime scene – Wikipedia

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Twitter: @MikPollitt
Email: michael.pollitt@snipelondon.com

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